She brightened as she told me about the new additions she’d made to the craft room that used to be my bedroom and the film she’d watched at the cinema with Aster’s dad. Aster had harboured not-so-secret wishes that Harry and my mum would get married and we would truly be brothers for most of our teenage years. He’d calmed down in his twenties, but I wouldn’t mention this cinema trip for fear it would reawaken the beast.
I sat on the seawall for a long time after Mum said goodbye. Waves beat into the concrete below, reiterating that at least Dad turning up at my workplace was no longer an option. He’d done that a couple of times in London, when I’d been too slow to get money to him. At least he was as disinterested in claiming a relationship with me as I was with him. I got away with telling my colleagues he was a friend of the family who’d fallen on hard times, so their expressions were only tinged with pity rather than drenched with it.
Dad wouldn’t travel this far. Maybe, if I was lucky, this would be one of the times he couldn’t find me. I’d made all my social media profiles private and barely anyone knew I’d moved toDoughnut. Even if he hunted down my ex-boss at the surgery in London, he likely wouldn’t remember the actual name of the island and he didn’t have my phone number. Maybe I was hidden.
I’d get the money ready anyway. Hope was a fickle thing when it came to my father. He was incredibly talented at showing up when least wanted.
Kit opened the door of the bookshop. He frowned across the road at me, then turned to lock up. His expression as cloudy as the sky, he walked over to sit beside me on the seawall. His movements practised, he knotted the ends of his scarf together and tucked the edges into the collar of his jumper.
‘Who called you?’
I licked my lips, the faint taste of salt coating my tongue. This close to the sea, everything gradually accumulated a tangy residue.
‘My mum.’ I summoned my best fake smile. ‘That doesn’t matter, though. This is a special day for you. We should celebrate.’
Kit laid a hand on my arm. Thankfully, the strange feelings from inside the bookshop had gone away. All I felt when he touched me was the same desire I always had in his presence; to press close and never pull away.
He squeezed my arm. ‘Lucas, that’s not how it works. We’re friends. Just because something exciting happened for me today, that doesn’t mean I get to ignore how you’re feeling.’
‘I know.’ I leant into his side, forcing him to loosen his hold. As my head rested on his shoulder, his arm reached across my back. ‘Aster would be so cross at me for forgetting his rules of friendship.’ I held up a finger. ‘Rule number one; you’re in it for the shit times and the good.’
‘Aster is wiser than he looks.’
I didn’t bristle like I would have done if someone else had made that statement. An annoying amount of people were determined to bring my best friend down, but Kit wasn’t one of them. And it wasn’t like what he’d said wasn’t true. Aster walked around spouting total nonsense, but between all the jetsam there were gems.
‘Is your mum alright?’ Kit prompted.
I shifted to snuggle into his side, my head supported by his shoulder. After one conversation about my dad, I felt heavy. Two in the space of less than an hour made holding my entire weight up impossible.
‘My dad got in touch with her. He does that, sometimes. When he wants money.’ My cheeks heated. As little as I had to do with Dad, his actions still brought me shame. ‘She wanted to warn me, just in case he manages to get in touch with me too.’
Kit’s hand rubbed up and down my back. ‘I’m sorry your dad is a pain.’
‘That is the perfect answer,’ I blurted out, then forged on despite my cheeks moving from heated to burning. ‘Aster gets all mad at him, which is nice but it doesn’t leave a lot of space for me to feel anything, you know? He knew Dad too and he basically hates him.’
‘Do you hate him?’
I sagged even more into Kit’s side. He must have been stronger than he looked. He didn’t moan or slump, but held me tight against his shoulder.
‘I don’t know.’ I blew out the longest breath, like somehow that would dispel the murky feelings my dad threw up every time he reared his wholly unwelcome head. ‘Do you ever wonder if you’re meant to be alone?’
We froze. Kit most likely because of the conversational curve ball I’d thrown at him. Me, because I didn’t know where that had come from. It was something I’d thought a few times, normallyafter I’d handed Dad an envelope of cash and he walked off without saying goodbye. It wasn’t something I’d ever expected to say to someone, and not without some kind of preamble.
Great. I’d progressed from being unable to control the over-the-top compliments to also doling out random bleak questions. What a wonderful friendship lay ahead of us.
‘Lucas,’ Kit breathed my name barely loud enough to be heard over the crashing waves. ‘Why would you think that?’
I was glad we weren’t looking at each other. This felt like a conversation best embarked on without the pressure of schooling my face into any expression that wasn’t too pitiful.
‘I don’t know.’ Strong start. ‘It’s just. I’ve never had the experience of two parents who super love each other. By the time I was born, Dad was showing his true colours and Mum was so miserable. He wouldn’t let her go for far too long and, I dunno. I don’t know if it’s ruined me or something. I’ve never had a real relationship, never found someone I wanted to do that with.’ I swallowed. ‘Maybe I’m meant to be alone.’
This was the closest I’d ever come to explaining my weird lack of attraction to anyone. I felt no more inclined to explain that to Kit than I did to Aster, but it felt good to chip a sliver off the tip of the iceberg.
Kit’s head dipped sideways to rest on top of mine. ‘I haven’t experienced two parents either. My dad died before I was born and he and Mum weren’t together anyway, not properly. She was always single. Didn’t want a man to get in the way of her work. Not even me. And I’ve not had a proper relationship either. No one has ever seen the real me before.’ He shifted, and his nose briefly pressed into my hair. ‘I could think that all means I’m meant to be alone, and maybe it does, but I really hope not. I hope that even with my baggage and even with yours, there are people out there who could love us both. Just as we are.’
‘At least until then, we’ve got each other.’ The words tipped off my tongue like so many others without permission, but these didn’t make me want to cringe. They were true. Comforting.
Kit held me tight. He didn’t reply straight away, but the quiet between us wasn’t a bad thing. It was broken by crashing waves and cawing gulls and the footsteps of people who barely seemed to exist as they walked past. All that mattered to me was Kit’s warm shoulder under my cheek, his strong arm around my back.
