I let out a shuddering breath and nodded, because I was ready for this but also suspected nothing would be able to prepare me adequately for being so intimately connected to another person. Not another person, one person. My person. Aster.
He lifted my other knee, spreading my legs obscenely wide. ‘Fuck, Cal,’ he whispered.
He fell forwards, his chest crashing into mine, and kissed me frantically. I was glad of the reprieve, for a return to something familiar. I pressed my tongue into Aster’s mouth, clasping at his short hair.
Words and feelings bubbled up inside of me. I wanted to concentrate purely on sensation, to be overwhelmed by the physical, but I couldn’t be this close to someone and feel nothing for them.
I felt a lot for Aster. Too much, maybe. I was thankful for the vice having sex clamped over my vocal cords. I wouldn’t blurt out something I’d regret.
Aster gentled his kisses, then raised his head. He stared down at me, and for a second I could convince myself I wasn’t the only one feeling too much. Maybe I wasn’t alone in wishing we could have our whole lives together, rather than dwindling weeks. Maybe it wasn’t just me who wanted to join together like this a thousand more times.
Aster reached between our bodies. ‘Ready?’
I nodded again, my eyes fixed on his as he shifted his hips forwards. There was no pain, but the knowledge he was inside of me was overwhelming. Through a series of tiny movements, Aster gradually eased in more and more. All of my focus zeroed in on the fullness of being joined together.
He slowed to a halt, pressed fully inside. His eyes hadn’t left my face for a second, not when I squeezed mine shut or threw my head back. It made my chest ache. Even in the midst of his pleasure, he cared for me. He’d watched for any hint of discomfort, ready to slow or retreat.
I lifted my face to kiss him. He moaned against my lips as his hips jolted back, then shunted forwards.
‘Sorry, sorry.’ Aster winced. ‘I’m absolutely going to take this slow. This will be the gentlest humping in the history of sexy times.’
That sounded fine. Considerate. But I wanted Aster to lose control. I wanted him to chase his pleasure in me. I trailed my hands down his sides and gripped his hips. Pushing with my thumbs, I inched him out of me, then slammed him back inside.
We both groaned. And Aster’s resolve broke. He planted his elbows and knees on the bed and used the leverage topush harder. My fingers dug into his soft skin, encouraging him to keep going, never stop.
‘Fuck, Cal.’ Aster’s words were a broken whisper, spoken in the odd moments when our panting mouths didn’t press together. ‘You’re perfect. I can’t get enough of you.’
I can’t get enough of you.I wanted to say it back. I hoped my low groans said enough. I couldn’t trust myself to form words right now. Before Aster had entered me, I’d been close to admitting the truth to myself, but now all reason and logic had fled. My head filled with a resounding chorus.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
Even in my sex-confused brain, I knew I couldn’t say that out loud. But I felt it. With every jolt as Aster brushed my prostate and every kiss he pressed into my skin.
I loved this man. Deeply, irrevocably. I’d fallen for him, hard and fast. There was no going back.
Aster’s thrusts became erratic. ‘I’m close.’
I’d been edging along the precipice of my own orgasm ever since he’d entered me, but as his penis pulsed inside me, I couldn’t hold it back. Throwing my hands out, I gripped the bed sheets and willed my claws to stay inside. I moaned, long and low, as my release coated our heaving bodies.
In a slow collapse, Aster’s arms gave out and he fell onto me. I held in a whimper as his softening penis slipped out. Another time, I’d ask him to stay inside until he hardened again.
‘That was fucking incredible,’ he murmured against my chest. ‘I know you don’t have a frame of reference, but that was good. We are ruined for all others now. If any sexual experience was going to render me speechless, it was this one. All words are gone.’
I smiled as I ran my hands up and down Aster’s sweat-slickened back. I didn’t trust myself to reply, three words still running riot inside my head.
It was alright that I couldn’t say them. I didn’t want Aster to feel bad when the time came for him to leave. He hadn’t wanted anyone to get hurt when this finished, and he didn’t need to know that when he departed, my heart would rip in two.
That wasn’t happening yet. I held him close, smearing my release across more of his skin. We had time before he had to leave. We’d do this again and again, and I’d store up a hundred memories to see me through the rest of my life.
I didn’t love easily but when I did, it was binding. I wouldn’t love anyone else like I loved Aster.
I had to make the most of every moment until he said goodbye.
CHAPER TWENTY-NINE
ASTER
Ialways knew death would come for me in some ridiculous way. I’d meet my end falling over a kitten and into a wood-chipper, or crushed by a lorryload of Toblerone, or smothered under a pile of overenthusiastic goats.
