Finally, Ellis shakes me off, and my hands fall to the side.
“I can’t,” he says. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to, like, mislead you.”
I shake my head. “You didn’t. It’s okay.”
Because it’s true. Ellis was clear from the start. He never made any excuses about himself, and despite him sometimes slipping and maybe being more affectionate—more intimate, more sweet, more seen—he’s said from the moment I met him that he doesn’t date.
Nothing’s changed from that night we met.
“I’ll see you next year, okay?” he says, voice almost too soft to be heard.
“Okay.” I nod. The urge to hold him by the face is overwhelming. A part of me doesn’t want to give up. Maybe if I… maybe if I reason out and tell him why it would work. I’m convinced we’d be great together, even if he can’t see it now. Ellis is incredible, and even if he doesn’t trust himself to be in a relationship, maybe it’s only because he’s never been in one that was good for him.
He’s never been with someone like me, who’d take care of him as much as he’d take care of me.
We’d be good together—and I know he can see that, even if he’s scared.
He’s so scared—so petrified—that he looks as if he wants to turn around and run at any sudden movements. God, I feel awful for him. Ellis is incredible, but he doesn’t trust himself to give in to what many people have no trouble doing.
Maybe he needs time. Maybe it’s good that we’re parting ways now and going in completely opposite directions. As much as I already know I’m going to think about him every waking moment, perhaps what Ellis needs right now is some space.
And if in the end he genuinely doesn’t want to attempt a relationship, then I’ll just have to live with that. At least I tried.
“Damon,” he says softly. Desperately. Ellis’s lower lip juts out, and I have the intense desire to ground him. Thankfully, he doesn’t flinch when I put my hand on his elbow. He doesn’t push me away and flee.
Ellis lets me lean in. He lets me kiss his temple, and I feel the slight shudder from him when I do.
“If you change your mind,” I say. “You know where to find me.”
9
Ellis
As soon as we pack our things, I make a flimsy excuse about leaving for the airport before my flight leaves me—never mind that I just got a text notification saying it’s going to be delayed. I tell him he should stay in the hotel and relax for a while, since his flight’s not until later this afternoon.
Damon gives me an odd look but doesn’t say anything.
He thinks I’m a coward. Of course he does.
Predictably, I get to the airport way too early. The screen with the estimated time of departure has the word “Delayed” flashing next to my flight number. I slump down on an empty chair. There are a couple of people arguing with my airline’s counter staff, demanding to know what’s going on, and I’m sure the basic non-answers they’re getting back are only frustrating them even more.
What the fuck? Why did Damon spring that on me?
I’m not sure when I’ll see him again. We barely see each other unless there are face-to-face meetings in the office. As agents,we’re all over the country, doing most of our work remotely. Even if I know he’s leasing an apartment in the city like me and most of the other agents, the chances of running into him are next to nothing.
I absently scroll through my calendar, wondering when our next department meeting will be. Even if it’s going to be a Zoom meeting, seeing his actual face on a screen would probably be good for me.
Fuck. Get it together, Ellis. You’re the one who turned him down.
But… maybe… maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea?
While I’m adamant that I’m never going to be the type of person who does the whole dating shit, Damon makes me question my entire belief system.
Maybe I should just agree and give it a shot. I’d be terrible at anything else other than a casual relationship. Damon could bring me out to a nice restaurant, and what the fuck would we even talk about? His awful taste in holiday movies? His cute obsession with banana bread? The annoyingly adorable way he talks to his little sisters? I mean, what even is with that dopey smile he gets when he sees them? I wonder if he knows his voice rises an octave when he’s on the phone with his family.
Plus, he’d get tired of me easily. I’m a piece of work, as evidenced by how I made him take care of me because of a stupid cold.
He was so caring, though. So fucking attentive and thorough. He thought of things I’d never have bothered with, such as setting up alarms for medicine and to check my temperature. Who even does that?
