“It’s a gnome thing. If you put on a red hat, preferably pointed, they’ll think you’re one ofthem.”
“Even though I would, presumably, be taller than a gardengnome?”
“Yep.”
“And human, and alive, and acop?”
“It’s like bats seeing with their ears. If a gnome sees a red hat, you’re agnome.”
He grinned and snapped his gum. “I do not know why I didn’t ask to be transferred to this town years ago. You have all thefun.”
I gave him my evil laugh. “Oh, we’ll see if you still think that when you’re done with gnome duty,buddy.”
“Bring it on, Jee-jee.”
I flipped him a finger and scowled at the nickname even though I sort of likedit.
“We need to go on foot.” I pulled into the parking lot next to the old firehall.
“Statue,right?”
“Yep.”
“Is there a reason you call him headlessAbner?”
“He has no head,Hatter.”
“Doesn’t that make it difficult duringnegotiations?”
“He’s good atcharades.”
“You’reserious.”
“As a....” I patted my chest and made my fingers intoclaws.
“Serious as an angry monkey? Mad monkey? Monkey Jean? Monkey injeans?”
“Monkey? How did you get monkey out of this?” I repeated the motions. “Heart attack. It’s heart attack. I’m as serious as a heart attack. You suck at charades. You are not allowed to handle the negotiations withAbner.”
“All right then. I’ll...” he pointed at his eyes, then tipped his fingers down and made scissoring motions, “follow yourlead.”
We started off toward the hall. As the dark of evening thickened into night, the chill of winter pinched goose bumps from my skin. I zipped my jacket and scanned the tall grass. It was possible someone had finally gotten rid of headless Abner. It was possible he’d been taken to the dump. I shuddered a little. Most gnomes that were thrown away stayed inert during October. But there were...rumors. Reports we’d never been able toverify.
“Your face,” Hatter said, as we rounded the corner to the back of the hall. “What are you thinkingabout?”
“Zombiegnomes.”
He stilled, then his smile swept up wide. “Just adding ‘zombie’ on the front of a thing doesn’t make it more frightening, you know. Watch: Zombie potato. Zombie turtles. Zombieaccordion.”
“Sure, you talk big now. See how hard you’re laughing when a zombie gnome is eating yourbrains.”
“Will it even know I’m edible if I’m not wearing a redhat?”
“Ha.Ha.”
We’d finished the perimeter of the building and I paused, hands on my hips, scanning the damp grassy stretches farther down the road. It was getting too dark to see much withoutflashlights.
“Should I secure zombie-killing bullets? Or is this a hammer-and-chisel-to-the-heart kind ofoperation?”
“Look, smartass. We don’t even know that there are zombie gnomes. I’ve never seen it, and neither has Myra orDelaney.”
“So what you’re saying is there is nodanger.”
“What I’m saying is, if therearezombie gnomes, and we have heard rumors that say it’s possible, then we have no idea how to restrain or kill them. So laugh about that, why don’tyou.”
And the jerkdid.
