She sighed, ‘I just don’t know what it feels like, to surrender to the idea that someone might actually stay.’ She curled over in bed and snugged her head into the pillow. I wrapped my body around her, spooning her body. Holding her tight. Letting her know I wasn’t going anywhere all night.
I woke up super early in the morning. I don’t know if I had slept properly. I never really did after a couple of drinks. I didn’t feel fresh, I didn’t feel good. I woke up feeling scattered and even a little sick. Emma was fast asleep curled up in a little cocoon she had wrapped herself in from the blanket. I don’t know how she did that. It was a hot night. I placed the back of my hand on her forehead to see if she needed cooling down, her temperature was fine, she wasn’t even breaking a sweat.
I had to get out of the room, stand in the fresh morning air. I slid myself out of bed trying not to make any moves that might awaken Emma from her deepest dreams. I threw on my navy dressing gown that was peeping out of my half-open closet door and let myself out of the room. Closing the door ever so gently behind me. I walked straight to the kitchen to turn on the kettle and spoon two heaped teaspoons of coffee into my large black mug. I stood still as the kettle boiled not too sure if I was going to vomit. Calm down Luc, I thought to myself, a coffee will fix you. I poured the water into the mug, keeping the coffee black, and took the hot drink out onto the balcony. I sat still, closing my eyes and breathing slowly. Trying to figure out why I felt so shit. It didn’t feel like a hangover, or maybe it was. But it wasn’t from the alcohol. It was from the words with Em. I told her I loved her, I told her I would be here. I didn’t know feeling sincere yet scared could coincide with one another. As I sat trying to breathe, a sickening feeling in the depths of my stomach climbed up my throat. I gulped it down and my body became almost numb.
Two fucking years. Two years had passed, she had changed, grown, bloomed into the magnificent wildflower that she was. In two years, I hadn’t given myself time to grow, to breathe, to stop, to think about what I wanted for me. Instead, I had been grinding, working, hustling, and creating harder. Without even giving myself one moment. My anxiety creeped back in. I don’t know if I deserved her.
I sat, took a deep breath, and took two big sips of my coffee. I replayed last night’s conversation in my head and let my mind spin with every single thought that rolled around, making me feel dizzy and nauseous. I thought…
I don’t want my life without her.
She’s so fucking great, she’s so God damn special.
She’s perfect for me.
I didn’t deserve her, especially after all the hurt I had made her feel.
I’ve never felt so at home, so at ease with someone in my life.
How could I ease her troubles? How could I let her know I’m here to stay?
I sat, I sipped, and let the messy thoughts spill until my cup and mind were empty. I tried to distract myself by picking up my phone and clicking onto my emails. Shit, there were eighty unread from the couple of days before. I clicked on the most recent one from Caine.
Hey mate,
I’ve just been chatting to our American team and they want you for a freaking year! Touring around each state. No more clubs, full stage tour — it’s going to be huge. They want to get it started in July, so we have a couple of months to start getting things ready and hopefully line up some new tracks that align with it.
Give me a call as soon as you read this, and I’ll give you the full run down. I’ve attached the previous conversations with Jacki, your new American label manager!
Congrats bro!
I felt sicker than I woke up. I stood up. Placed the mug in the sink and walked back towards my bedroom. I took off my gown and crept back under the sheets, snuggling into her cocoon.
Chapter 16 — Her
I opened my eyes, awaking from my dream being held in his embrace. I shook my head, turning around in the sheets, looking up at Lucas. His eyes where closed, I don’t think he was sleeping, but he was rested, lost in his own world of thoughts. I wondered where his mind was. I loved lying in his arms, being held by him felt warm, but this time my body didn’t completely relax. As I lay in his bed, in his shirt, in his house, my heart dropped. As much as I loved being around him, I worried that we weren’t made to last. That I was doing nothing different but repeating the past. Although the past couple of weeks hadn’t felt like that, it was the complete opposite. But something about being back here, I could shake the thought from my mind.
Something about him felt elusive. I knew that nothing was forever, the word forever was what I believed to be the only impossible in this world. He kept me on my toes, he was unpredictable, creating a daily high for me. I loved being surrounded by this. But I was scared, I felt a part of me close, being back in his space. What if this wasn’t forever, this wasn’t love, this was chasing a high, creating anxiety. I didn’t want to let go, I wanted to hold onto it for as long as I could. He was my current for life, his highs started to fuel my creativity, maybe I needed to go back to find it within myself. Together, we felt like a slinky, constantly pulling each other forward through the flows of opposing energy amongst the waves of life, the beautiful ones that you can ride in on to glorious islands, and I was sure there would be deep dark ones that can pull you down deep, uncertain if you’ll ever be able to come back up for air. I longed for them both.
His eyes started to batter, and I felt his chest rise as he took a big deep breath.
‘Hey, you,’ he said, wrapping his arms around me, squeezing me tightly. ‘You had a nice big sleep,’ he said, cracking open a morning smile.
‘You slept longer than me.’ I joked back.
‘I’ve already been up this morning, and you were out like a light last night,’ he said.
‘I feel refreshed though. I’m ready to go and embrace the day.’ I perked up, unsure if I really felt that way or I was just trying to make myself feel like that.
‘I’m glad you had a great sleep,’ he said. Hugging me tighter, rolling over the top of me, lying in between my legs, hugging into my chest. ‘But maybe we shouldn’t get up and embrace the day just yet, I mean, it’s pretty great having you in my bed,’ he said, showering me with kisses on both cheeks.
‘It feels great being in your bed, in your clothes, in your arms,’ I said. I wasn’t lying. It did feel great, but something in my stomach still sunk.
He unwrapped his arms from around me and held himself over my body, his arms were pressed into the mattress on either side of my shoulders, I felt so small underneath him. His eyes darted down my body before meeting mine. ‘You look really good in all of it,’ he said, as a warm smile took over his face.
I lay staring at him as he closed his eyes again, taking a deep breath, relaxing into our hold. I wondered what exactly it was that kept drawing me back to him. How could I be with someone that together felt so right, yet something still made my gut churn, with an anxious uncertainty that just wanted me to hold him even tighter? I stared at him as his eyes stayed closed, maybe it was the fact he was human that completed his beauty. The fact a mind so untamed and expansive could live behind the imperfections of human cells and flawed bacteria. He was a man with intelligence and a soul beyond this world, but he was still imperfect, still emotionally lost.
For a moment I closed my eyes, revelling in the moment that was. My eyes opened to the feeling of his hand brushing against my cheek, tucking my long brown hair behind my ear. His lips touched mine. ‘I want to hold her,’ he said, dropping his body to my left side.
