‘Okay, I’m going to rephrase the question. What type of pizza does your heart desire right now?’ I said.
She smiled and placed one hand on her heart, closing her eyes shut, making her face crinkle, pretending as though she was in deep concentration. She opened her eyes wide and spoke with confidence. ‘Right now, my heart would love something with olives,’ she said, smiling.
‘Then olives your heart shall get.’ I put my head down and scrolled the pizza menu. The waiter came back with a bottle of champagne in ice and two tall glasses. He popped the bottle for us and poured us two glasses.
It wasn’t long before I finished the final glass from the bottle and the waiter was clearing our plates. ‘I wanted to take you dancing,’ I said, ‘but you look exhausted.’
‘I’m not really in the mood for dancing, I am really exhausted,’ she said. Her eyes started to cutely droop, as they did towards the end of the week, this time they were particularly cute, sparkling like the bottle of wine we had sunk together. Emma was holding her head up by her hand as her elbow leaned on the table.
‘C’mon let’s get you home,’ I said. I checked the time and it was almost ten p.m. Looking up I noticed we were the only ones left in the restaurant. I didn’t realise how long we had been there. Time moved fast when I was with Emma. I paid the bill at the door, and we walked out into the fresh night air. Emma was still only wearing her light summer dress.
‘Wow,’ she said, ‘that’s sobered me up.’ She hugged her arms into her body and we both ran to the car. I drove out of the car park. ‘How far away is your house from here?’ she asked.
‘Only fifteen minutes, if that. Do you not remember the roads out here?’ I asked.
‘To be honest, not really, and I was always coming from the other end of the coast, so I guess I drove in a different direction.’
‘Well, now you can take notice of the new path,’ I said.
I pulled up in the driveway. I grabbed her bag out of the back and took her hand with the other, walking up to the front door. The door was locked, there mustn’t have been anyone home tonight. I looked up to check the other end of the driveway and noticed that there weren’t any cars.
I unlocked the door and gestured to her to let herself in. She walked in, standing in the living room, and I closed the door behind her. She stayed silent; she was a little slumped. She was almost falling asleep. I could feel the tiredness throughout her whole body.
‘Would you like a shower?’ I said as we walked towards my room. I dropped her bag down, next to my bed. She stood in the doorway.
‘I would love one,’ said Emma.
I opened my cupboard and handed her a towel. I kissed her as I placed it in her hands. ‘Is there anything else I can get for you?’
‘That’s all thank you. I’ll be back,’ she said.
‘I’ll be right here,’ I said, she turned up the hallway and to the left, remembering exactly where the bathroom was. I looked around my room and started tidying things up. I forgot the mess that I had left it in earlier in the week. My sheets were messy and crinkled. I remade the bed, picked up my socks and shorts that were thrown on the floor. I chucked them into my washing basket and took two old tea mugs that were sitting on my desk into the dishwasher in the kitchen. I walked back into my room, readjusting everything that was sitting around my desk. As I tidied, I thought about Emma’s words from earlier tonight.You don’t love me for me, you love the feeling that I bring to your life. That wasn’t true, surely not, I did love the feeling that she bought into my life, but I loved her too.
My mind stopped running through worries, as I felt her arms wrap around the back of me. I turned around towards her and she was standing there with her hair slightly wet, her face was bare, she was wrapped in nothing but the charcoal grey towel I had handed her moments earlier.
‘There is one more thing that you could get me,’ she said innocently.
‘What’s that?’ I asked.
‘Can I borrow a shirt to sleep in?’ she said.
‘Absolutely. I’ll find you the comfiest one,’ I said, pulling open one of my draws in the corner of the room and grabbed her a light grey, soft, oversized t-shirt. I handed it to her, and she dropped the towel. Leaving her standing in my room completely naked. She slipped my shirt over her shoulders, and it fell on her body. She picked up the towel off the floor and hung it over my desk chair.
‘I’ll use this again in the morning,’ she said, crawling up onto the bed and sat on top of the sheets on her side, the left side. The side she had slept on many times before. She looked around the room as I climbed up on the bed to lay beside her. ‘It’s exactly how I remember it. You haven’t redecorated in the past couple of years.’
She lay down next to me, still with one hand on her heart. I could tell she was slowing her breathing; her eyes were fixated on my ceiling, but I could tell it wasn’t what she was looking at. She was lost in thoughts of the past, watching memories like a cinema in her mind and trying not to feel into them. I knew exactly what she was doing. I knew that feeling all too well.
‘Lying here does feel a little bit weird,’ she sighed.
‘I think you should talk me through everything you’re feeling. I want you to be able to get everything off your chest. Don’t bottle it up,’ I said, I wanted her to let it out, so we could deal with it, let it go and move on to the future.
‘You did really hurt me,’ she said bluntly.
‘I know,’ I said, staring at her admitting it, I never wanted to hurt her. I never wanted to hurt anybody. Especially someone as amazing as Emma. It’s not fair to pass on my own personal traumas and pain to another who really didn’t deserve it.
‘I don’t want to have expectations or attachments. I’m keeping myself open. But being back here, it makes me realise how much I don’t want to get hurt again. I don’t want to be just a feeling to you, something that you get excited to come home for. To get a high feeling off when you’re not getting it from the stage,’ I said, staring back at her reached over to cuddle her.
‘I don’t want to hurt you. You’re amazing. I wouldn’t bring you here to do that to you again. I really like you; I really like us. I feel drawn to you and I believe the feelings mutual,’ I spoke each word slowly. So that she felt safe. So that she could hear me clearly and know I meant what I was saying. Being around her, my words came out perfectly and with ease. Everything seemed clear and right. As soon as she was gone, my thoughts were another story.
