‘Jump on in, girl. We’ve got a bit of a drive ahead of us,’ I said as I let go of her left hip and held my arm out gesturing towards the passenger seat of the car. My house was an hour away from Em’s. I was getting used to the drive, in fact, I didn’t mind it. Long drives were great for me to practice my vocals and help my mind run creatively with ideas for lyrics and beats. She walked towards the passenger side of my black Audi and we both jumped in.
‘So, what do you want to get up to this weekend?’ she asked, as I turned onto the main highway.
‘We could do anything you wanted; the world is our oyster,’ I said. She looked at me and smiled, I could tell how relaxed she was in the passenger seat, laying the chair half back and taking in the drive. ‘I was thinking we could go to dinner tonight. Maybe have a bit of a dance if you’re up for it?’
‘I really love the sound of that. This does feel a little bit weird though.’ Her voice dropped. ‘It’s been so long since I have been to your house. I didn’t exactly leave with the best feeling.,’ she said.
I’d feared she would feel that way, it was part of the reason I hadn’t invited her down earlier. Her place bought new energy. Emma walking back into mine may have been like walking straight back into the past. I knew we had spoken about this. I knew we had healed it and moved on. But she hadn’t been back in the same environment, in my space, where I left her hurt in the past. I was fully aware of this.
‘Are you okay?’ I said, resting my hand on her knee and softly rubbing it. ‘Do you want to talk about it.’
‘I’m really glad you’ve invited me down,’ she said. Her lips smiled but her eyes weren’t as bright as usual. ‘But honestly, I feel a little sick.’
‘Are you okay? Do you need me to pull over? I can turn back around.’ I didn’t want to put her in an uncomfortable situation. I also didn’t want our past to hold us back.
‘No, I don’t feel physically sick. Maybe, emotionally sick. Like I am about to head a couple of years back in time,’ said Emma.
‘You were going to come over to my place at some point though, weren’t you? We can’t be at your place forever,’ I said, flickering my gaze in between Emma and the road, trying to get a gauge of where she was at.
‘I know that,’ she said, staring right out the window.
‘What exactly about it is making you feel sick?’ She paused and turned to look out the window.
‘Honestly… I…’ She paused again almost choking on her words. Emma turned to face me in the car. I kept my eyes on the road darting them back to her as I drove. ‘I thought I was good, I thought I was okay, but every minute I get closer to your house I feel sicker,’ she said.
‘What are you feeling sick about?’ I asked.
‘I think it’s bringing up the truth,’ she said as if she was going to vomit. I felt like we needed to talk, I saw a rest station two hundred meters up on the highway and I pulled into it, parking and turning off the car. I unbuckled my seatbelt I turned my body around towards her as much as I could placing my right hand down on her knee.
‘What’s the truth?’ I asked her.
‘I don’t know if I can trust you,’ she blurted her words out as though they were her vomit.
Her words cut me like a knife, but I didn’t react. I wanted to know more. ‘I thought we had spoken about this, I thought we had moved through the past.’ I said.
‘I thought we had too. But I’m sorry, I’m just being honest with how I feel right now. As much as I love being around you, I still feel like there will be a random moment that you will just leave, without an explanation,’ she said, choking up. I could feel the waves of emotion waiting to bubble up out of her.
‘Why do you still think I’ll leave?’ I asked, resting my hand on her knee.
‘Because that’s all I’ve ever known from you.’ She sighed. I felt a lump rise in my throat with each one of her words. She was right.
‘I don’t know what to do other than say I’m sorry and keep showing up for you,’ I said. All I wanted to do was show her the person I was today, how much I had realised, how much I had changed.
‘Why do you keep showing up for me? Why now? What is it? What has changed?’ she sobbed but her voice grew louder, demanding answers.
‘You’re great for me,’ I said. She slumped in her seat, letting out a sigh almost more upset by my answer. I tried to elaborate some more. ‘You see me, for me, beyond my name and hysteria.’
‘So, you like the feeling that I give you?’ she said.
‘Absolutely.’ She pushed my hand away from her knee. ‘Did I say something wrong?’
‘You don’t get it to do you?’ she said, her eyes burned onto mine.
‘No, I don’t,’ I said, I was so confused. But the pain in her body, her voice, the tears that fell down her cheeks. I would do anything to make it go away, to make her feel better.
‘You don’t love me for me, you love the feeling that I bring to your life, nothing has changed at all. You’ve just realised how much you love that feeling in your life, and this time you’re willing to accept it. I don’t want to be in someone’s life just because I make them feel good,’ she cried.
‘What? Where is all this coming from? I thought we were fantastic.’ I had never seen her so emotional; she had built up so much angst in the car driving towards my place.
