‘you’ve asked me that before, and I think I gave you an answer about my own expression, but I don’t know, I feel like lately, the more time I’ve given to it, I think my answer has changed,’ she said.
‘What’s the new answer?’
‘I can’t tell you,’ she said, looking away, sinking deeper into my chest.
‘Why not?’
‘Maybe you’ll laugh, maybe you won’t understand. Maybe it won’t ever be as grand or successful as the way that you create.’ Her voice softened and her nerves crept up through her words.
‘I’d love to see your work. I wonder what you pain tall the time. I wish you would show me,’ I said. She stared at me with wide-open eyes and ever so slowly, hesitantly, opened her mouth to speak again.
‘When I paint it doesn’t feel like me, it’s like something is channelling through me. A story that must be told. So, I sit down, and I paint or draw. It’s different all the time, some have a theme of life, love, drama. It’s crazy when I look at work back. I can definitely tell you it was something beyond me that created it.’ She stopped talking and rested her head on my chest.
‘I do understand that. It’s your flow zone. It happens to me all the time,’ I said. I could feel her breath slow as she rested on my chest. ‘You’re the chosen vehicle for a new image, a new way to see the world, in fact, I’m sure you’re going to be chosen for many. It’s really great you’ve realised that and ran with it.’
She looked up and smiled at me. ‘So, you do understand, it doesn’t just happen to me?’
‘I do understand. I think that’s how I started, I felt like the vehicle for so much, too. When I first started creating art, I was a troubled kid. To me, at the time it felt like an outlet, like something deep inside that I needed to express. Later in life, I did realise that it was something beyond me that chose this path for me. But if I’m honest right now, I know I’ve lost that again. I’m not creating what I really want to, any more. I’m not creating what I was maybe meant to, I’m doing it for what I think the people want. Not for the love of it or not what feels real and true to me which I guess is exactly why I say, I feel lost. Don’t lose that part of yourself, it’s so freaking beautiful and when you reach a level of success, it’s what I’ve really struggled to come back to,’ I said, speaking out loud everything I had been feeling for a long time, for the first time.
‘Maybe you’re creating what you think people want. But I think you have the power to tune in and really create what people need,’ she said. Her exact words were what I fought myself on most days, what felt good for me and the music I loved to make versus what I was known for, what people expected of me. I had lost my true expression.
‘I’m getting wrinkly.’ She smiled, showing me her hands.
I laughed. ‘And it’s getting cold and late, we should probably hop out.’ She grabbed the ledge of the bath pushing her body off mine and standing tall. Her naked, wet body was covered in bubbles as she stood tall, stepping out of the bath, wrapping a towel around her and throwing one at me. I dropped the towel and helped dry her body, rubbing it all over as she was in fits of giggles. I kissed her forehead and Emma wrapped the charcoal grey towel around her, walking out of the ensuite, opening the door and lying down on her bed.
‘Joyful, impactful, infectious,’ she said as I finished drying myself off. I put my jocks back on and lay by her side on the bed. She was still lying in her towel. ‘That’s my three words.’
‘Three words for what?’ I looked back at her squinting, puzzled but intrigued.
‘For life,’ she said as she turned her head to the left, staring right at me. We lay so close, I could see deep into her hazel eyes, our lips were only centimetres apart. ‘I read a book once that spoke about dying. It said when it’s your time to leave this earth, how would you want people you loved to explain you in three words? Mine are joyful, impactful, and infectious. I want to know I have indented the souls of humanity in one of those three ways,’ she said. Her tired eyes drifted, and started to close, I watched her body relax deeper into her bed.
I lay in silence. Staring at her in awe, I saw her in colour. Her heartbeat glowed a deep red light through her chest that shone brighter than the sunset we had watched melt into the horizon. When Emma would laugh, it pulsed through my ears, and it made my chest feel warm. She exuded love, with white beams of life that grabbed my body and pulled me into her.
Emma was good for me. No, she was great for me. Her voice, her sound, her words. The way her body moved. In a way I had never felt before, she was at ease with who she was and she had a mental toughness, a deep confidence stronger than I think she even knew. Mentally, she expanded me, teaching me her expertise, her opinions, and her philosophies.
I lay staring at her as her breath slowed into a sleeping state. I got lost in thoughts of my hands on her, brushing the soft, innocent skin on her cheek, her neck. I loved feeling her lips when they lightly brushed mine. When her breath left her perfectly poised mouth, and I could inhale her. When I touched her, her hips would rock, her lips smiled, giggled. She sighed, sometimes screamed. Sometimes I felt her life energy becoming part of mine, leaving her spine and melting into one.
She wasn’t attached to anything, she was free, open, honest. And when she was scared, she glowed brighter with a vulnerability that I cherished. In every moment, she bought nothing but her pure presence. She was art, and she infused mine.
She didn’t need me, but she wanted me, she was drawn to me. I could feel it. She was a mystical puzzle piece that at this moment I knew exactly where she fit. Perfectly, next to me. And my god I felt so lucky for that. I smiled, closing my eyes next to Emma.
I woke up in the morning before she did. Emma was the morning person, not me. This was a rare moment to watch her sleeping in the early morning sunlight. We woke up in the middle of the night, tucking ourselves into bed after we fell asleep on top of the sheets. I turned to look at Emma, she was asleep naked, and her white sheets were only covering her left leg and up to her belly button. She looked so peaceful. I wondered what she was dreaming about. I watched her stunning bare skin glow in the newness of the morning light.
Each day with her was new. As the sun rose her energy renewed with the rays peeping through the scattered blinds, twinkling sunlight on her skin. She was stable, truthful, and honest. But ever-changing and growing with new ideas, learnings, each morning her imagination expanded, and her energy exuded through with it. It shone through her body, just like a new country I woke up every morning wanting to explore, immerse myself in the culture and become one with it.
I loved her body. Every edge, every curve, mark, scar, dimple. Something about her gave me an energy I had never felt before. Lying there next to her so close, I didn’t want to get up but I had to leave. It was only for a couple of days, but I wanted to take a part of her with me. I wanted to breathe in the carbon dioxide that left her body and inhale her energy. She inspired me, just by being her. I was the most open, honest, at peace, and most creative I had ever been when I was around her.
I didn’t want to leave. Because when I left, my world outside her presence, outside the doors of her perfect apartment, was a different story.
Chapter 15 — Him
It had only been a couple of days, but it felt like a lifetime since I had seen her. The intense connection I felt towards her was starting to feel intoxicating, sending me into a wild spin when we were apart. I loved it. My shows were fuelled with a whole new energy. The crowd from the night before felt like a heartbeat, jumping in unison, partying with love.
I wanted to see what Emma and I could create together, the worlds we could explore. Each day I was with her, she expanded my mind in one way or another. She would speak aloud her perfectly worded thoughts that I could turn into lyrics. She was my muse.
I was back at the airport. I had a full week at home ahead, this was so rare. I had to work on creating more music, I had to stay focused. I had to use this current energy as fuel. But for the first few days, I really wanted to spend it with her. I wanted to surprise her, take her somewhere, make her feel good, watch her smile unravel through her body, and be there to see it. I wanted to take her dancing, watch her move to the beat, in her full expression. I drove from the airport straight to her apartment.
I sat parked out the front of her gates once again in my usual car spot. It felt as though it should be reserved for me, I was here enough. Her apartment started to feel like my second home, maybe even my first. That’s why I wanted to take her out of it, as much as I loved getting lost in hers, I think it was time I let her back into my world.
