‘Good morning, Lucas,’ I said, crossing my arms around the front of my body as he stood next to me.
‘I didn’t think you wanted to see me,’ he said.
‘And I didn’t say that texting allowed invitations.’
‘Yet here we are,’ he said, smirking. The line had dwindled, and we found ourselves in front of a young girl at the counter.
‘What can I get for you guys?’ she said with a bright smile and young cheerful voice.
Lucas looked at me. ‘What would you like?’
I turned and spoke to the young girl. ‘I’ll have a large macadamia milk cappuccino, thank you.’
‘I’ll have a decaf flat white,’ said Lucas, tapping his card paying for the order.
‘It’s Lucas, right?’ The young girl looked towards him, now I realised why she seemed extra cheery so early in the morning, the same girl had served me most mornings, but she was never as bright as this.
‘It is,’ he said.
‘I love your music! Are you playing here tonight?’
‘No, I’m just visiting friends.’
‘Oh. How lovely. Enjoy! The coffee won’t take long, promise. I’ll get them to speed it up for you,’ she said. Lucas smiled and we took a step to the side waiting by the counter, scattered amongst the full room of people waiting for their warm morning caffeine.
‘Decaf, hey?’ I said, questioning Lucas’s strange order. I didn’t see the point in decaffeinated coffee.
‘I’m taking a break from stimulants for a while. I think I need to for my mind,’ he said. I nodded. It was mature, it made sense. It must have only been a minute and the girl behind the counter walked towards us with two fresh coffees. She stared straight at Luc.
‘Sorry to keep you waiting, Lucas. Any drinks or food that you need while you’re visiting here, pop in anytime — it’s on us. We’re all big fans of yours here,’ she said overly excited, I wasn’t too sure if her smile was going to break her face or her shaking hands were going to spill our coffees as she handed them to Lucas.
‘Thank you,’ said Lucas, nodding at the girl, and then smiled at me, as we walked out of the coffee shop. I felt eyes glaring at us from customers, that clearly ordered their coffees before us, but we’re still waiting. I put my head down and followed Lucas out the front door.
‘Do you want to go and sit on the beach?’ Lucas asked handing me my coffee.
‘Sure.’
The beach was across the other side of the main road traffic lights of Canvas. Together, we crossed the road, walking through the car park. I slipped my sneakers off at the edge of the beach, wanting to feel the sand between my toes. Lucas followed my lead, kicking his Nikes off too and he followed me until I found a nice place to sit in the sand.
‘I know I’ve said sorry. I know it doesn’t cut it. I know it doesn’t change the past and I’m extremely grateful that you even want to sit here with me right now,’ said Lucas, his voice ran fast.
‘I know you’re sorry,’ I said. I’d heard it enough, and I believed it.
‘I know you’ve explained to me what you went through, I know you didn’t deserve any of the hurt you experienced. But can I try to explain where I was at?’ He said, his eyes pleading with mine.
‘I don’t need your explanations — what’s done is done,’ I said, brushing him off. I was enjoying the time spent with him, but each time he apologised it took me right back into the past. I didn’t want to relive those feelings. Not again.
‘I know you don’t need an explanation, but I would like to give you one,’ he said, staring at me wide eyed as he placed a hand on my knee. ‘You scared the hell out of me because you were the first real thing that I had ever had in my life. You were exactly what I always wanted, but you were also what I had never known. So instead of opening, letting you into my life, I hurt you. I pushed you away. I made a mistake. And I have missed you ever since. You are one of the most amazing people I have ever met Emma Scully,’ he said. His eyes locked onto mine, his voice cracked and vulnerable. ‘There haven’t been many days that I haven’t gone without thinking about you, and when I saw you again, at the most random time — I honestly haven’t felt so lucky in my entire life.’
‘What do you mean by always wanted, but never knew?’ I asked. In my mind, I had a clear picture about what he was going to say. I always felt as though he didn’t love himself. If he didn’t love himself, I knew he couldn’t love anyone else. But I had to listen to his own explanation and find out if he had really grown as much as he said he had.
Lucas paused and took a deep breath, staring out to the waves crashing in.
‘I guess I had never experienced someone liking me for me before. It was probably mostly my upbringing that made me this way. I was an only child, my mum suffered with some addictions. I was a bit of a rebellious teenager and I ran away from home early. This isn’t a sob story. It made me the driven person I am today, working hard for my career. But I guess I’ve only received the love and attention that I desire through my work and my art. Not through just being me, you see me, well… I know you saw me. I know I fucked that up.’ His voice cracked and he bit his bottom lip as it began to tremble.
In that very moment, everything to me made sense. My heart dropped for him. I remember his story from the moment we first met, his past that had shaped him and his present he didn’t feel worthy of.
‘I guess, well, I’m still fighting a lot internally, on who I really am, where I fit, you know my past, who I am, you’re one of the very few people who know my full story, and well, Iguess my upbringing is what made me driven. But it also kept me very closed, completely closed. Letting someone in who I could feel for, could relate to, and who actually felt the same way back about me. When you came into my life a couple of years ago, it was very foreign to me. I didn’t know how to handle it. And I’m sorry because, I know it’s taken me all this time to realise. But I do realise that I let something go that was, and maybe is one of the best things that ever happened to me. I can’t, I just…’ His voice drifted off and his eyes began to well as he blinked his tears away. ‘I just can’t live another day without letting you know how truly sorry I am, how much you did mean to me, how much you do mean to me and how incredibly lucky I am to know you.’
