Her voice cracked. “Is he going to hurt you?”
I shook my head. I couldn’t say yes or no because I didn’t know how the rest of this was going to play out. All I knew was that I was going to try and that the grannies would be there to help me.
“I love you,” she whispered.
“I love you more.” My voice caught. “Now go.”
Don appeared then, as if summoned by fate—or doom. “Jane? Ready, kiddo?”
Jane nodded and let him lead her away. She looked over her shoulder once, eyes wide and pleading. I smiled again. I didn’t break.
When Donovan slid his arm around my waist and whispered at my neck, “Are you ready to make this the best night of your life?”
I lied through my teeth. But also, was it that much of a lie?
Chapter Sixty-Two
Ivan
The issuewith self-loathing was that it only got worse. I hated myself for killing Poppy’s father. I hated myself for the way she found him. I could have killed him before he was fucking his whore. I hated myself for putting her in the position to feel like she had to protect me, after it was all my fault for thinking my own brother’s wedding was iron-clad. I knew better, but I couldn’t help it. I hated myself for not being strong enough to not only kill the man who was going to ruin her life, but also for not being strong enough to stay.
But what was left for me there anyway?
My hands still trembled when I tried to lift a mug. My ribs still ached when I breathed too deeply. My face still throbbed in places I pretended weren’t swollen anymore. I couldn’t fight like this. I couldn’t protect anyone like this. I couldn’t even pull a trigger without my fingers seizing.
The plane hummed beneath me as it cut through the clouds, carrying me farther from the city and closer to theisolation I’d earned. My cabin—my sanctuary, my punishment—waited in the snow-covered mountains like a tomb.
I told myself solitude would save her.
I told myself my absence would make her future easier.
I told myself she was better off not seeing my face ever again.
But I knew better, deep down in my bones. I also knew that she would never forgive me if somehow she got out of all of this. No one begged me to stay, but I hadn’t exactly given them much time to do so. I was on the first leg of my travels long before anyone woke up. I tormented myself by peeking into her room to see if she was awake so I could say goodbye, but she slept peacefully and unaware. She was a goddess, and I couldn’t ruin her. I couldn’t break her again.
I leaned my head back against the seat, staring at the overhead light until my eyes burned. I’d done the right thing. The only thing. Staying would’ve only made things worse. I would’ve hovered and watched her every move and broken all over again when the vows fell from her lips. I would’ve ripped Donovan apart with my bare hands in front of an entire church, shaky fingers be damned.
Poppy Madden.
The thought was acid in my throat.
I scrubbed a hand over my face—my uninjured one—and swallowed the roar in my chest. I’d imagined a lot of things in the months I’d known her. Imagined a life I never should’ve wanted. Imagined holidays. Imagined her smile greeting me in the mornings. Imagined putting a ring on her finger that didn’t make her want to peel her own skinoff.
Imagined touching her without guilt.
Without blood on my hands.
Without a countdown ticking above her head.
But all of that was fantasy.A cruel one.
I’d killed her father. I’d confessed. And she knew. And she’d shattered because of it. How could I stay? How could I look at her—look at Jane—and pretend any of this could be undone?
The pilot’s voice crackled overhead. “We’ll begin our descent shortly.”
This was the right decision. Walking away. Disappearing. Protecting her from the mess of who I was. She deserved a man who wasn’t broken. Who didn’t flinch every time someone said her father’s name. A man who didn’t dream about killing her husband and failing at it. I shut my eyes. I was doing the right thing. Then why did it feel like I’d carved out my own heart and left it bleeding on the marble floors of my mother’s penthouse?
When the wheels hit the runway, I didn’t feel relief. Instead, I couldn’t stop wondering if I’d made the biggest mistake of my goddamned life.
