Mike looks skyward. “You idiot.”
“I know,” Ollie says, touching his cheek and hissing. “I know… It’s why I broke up with Gemma. El, he made me realize. I don’t mean we had some big talk and I had a eureka moment about myself. Not that. It’s just, when I looked at him, I felt these things that had only been, I don’t know, like background shadows before. Maybe I kept them that way on purpose. My parents…” A single tear tracks down the side of his face. “They drag us to church every Sunday, and then it’s prayers every mealtime, and I just always knew what they’d say if I ever turned out to be… And so I made-believe I wasn’t. You know, you can convince yourself of anything if you try hard enough. But then El. He just…”
“Bursts in.”
Ollie looks up and gives me a smile that makes me want to hug him. I don’t, but still.
“Yeah. I think ‘bursts’ is the word. There was no hiding any more. Not from myself anyway. So I called it off with Gemma. I thought I was being noble, not using her as my alibi. I wasn’t ready to come out so I told her I wasn’t good enough for her, some crap like that, but I think she knew what was really going on. You can’t hide the stares when you’re obsessed with someone, can you? On the field, in class…”
This echoes so much of those klutzy days before El and I got together it almost feels like an invasion. I thought I was the only one stealing glances.
“She knew why,” Ollie continues, “so all I got from her afterwards were these little innuendos. ‘Oh, Ollie, yeah, I guess I was too much of awomanfor him.’Crap like that. She had some grief with El before we broke up, so this just added to her hating him – though how any of it was his fault, I don’t know. Gemma logic,” he grunts, then suddenly tries to reach for me. My hand flies out, pushing him away, and he nods. “Dylan, can you understand? He was everything I wanted to be. Out and proud and brave. But I’m not brave. I know my parents would just sit me down and say they still love me, and then we’d get together with our pastor and I’d get the talk:You’re confused, Oliver. God never made you this way. Now let’s pray for His guidance.”
“Okay,” I say, “but they wouldn’t break your teeth and throw you out, would they? El had it harder than any of us, and he was still El.”
“I didn’t know that. About his family…” He balls up his hands like a frustrated child trying to understand. “I was obsessed, okay? And I know it’s mad, but yes, I started following him around. Taking pictures and… God, I’m sorry. It sounds so weird.”
“Itisweird!” Mike snaps.
“What do you know about anything?” Ollie shoots back, but there’s no anger in his words, just a sadness that I recognize all too well. “When you can’t be all of who you are, I think it does things to you. Twists you somehow. Drives you crazy. I know what I did was wrong, but even to have his picture… And following him was my way of building up some courage.”
“To do what?”
“To ask him out? To tell him how I felt?” He shrugs. “I don’t know. Eventually I did get my shit together, the day before the Easter dance. It was after practice and we were joshing about, just us two, putting some gear away. I leaned in and he… Dylan, he told me no. I knew about you two by then, of course.”
“How?”
“Like I said, I followed him about. You were careful, but there’s only so much hiding you can get away with. I saw you together one night out by the old Megadeal supermarket.”
My breath catches. I remember:
It’s March, long after the weirdness of Christmas and just before the Berringtons’ barbecue, and you’re taking your life in your hands. You’re teaching me to drive. Not a single obstacle in the abandoned car park, yet I’m certain I’ll hit something. On the Nissan dashboard, the gangsta-elf-on-the-run seems to be winking at me.
“Ignore him.” You reach across from the passenger side and plant a hand over the wicked imp. “Hands at nine and three on the steering wheel. Then mirror, signal…”
My foot jolts against the accelerator and we bunny-hop to a standstill.
“Manoeuvre.”
I shrug. “At least I didn’t hit anything.”
“I’m afraid you did.” You look down into your lap, gaze full of sorrow. “Frecks, I’m sorry to tell you this, and it will affect your no claims bonus, but your reckless driving has bruised my dick.”
I arch an eyebrow. “Is this some kind of fake claim?”
You make this little outraged “O” with your mouth. “I am shocked and offended. I swear, your honour, on the holiest of holies that the seatbelt cut right into my package and I am now in mortal fear that my dong will drop off. Unless…” You smile mischievously. “…it gets some emergency attention.”
“Well,” I say, shrugging off my seatbelt, “youarethe instructor…”
I stare at Ollie. “You were there that night?”
He closes his eyes. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to—”
“So El rejected you,” Mike cuts in. “Just finish it.”
“I misinterpreted stuff, all right? It was just El’s normal kindness, I know that now. But I thought he was flirting with me and I…I put my heart on the line. That sounds lame, but it’s true. I tried something and he put a stop to it.”
“Why didn’t he tell me?”
