Hey, sorry about earlier
I don’t expect him to reply right away. But after a few seconds, my phone buzzes.
Fuck you
His anger sizzles through the screen, making me wince.
I’m sorry. I panicked, you know how I hate to lose
And I like it?? What, your pride’s more important than mine?
Fuck, this is going wrong. I thought he would try to play it cool. I didn’t think he’d be so emotional, so… vulnerable. I feel more like Macbeth than ever. I look at Dad and Olivia in the kitchen, laughing at something over their cups of tea. And I make a decision. I was raised better than this.
Look I’m going to tell Malachi what I did. I’ll tell him I cheated and you can have the exhibition match
No answer. I try again.
I don’t know what got into me but I’m going to make it right
Three dots appear. Alex is writing something. Then the dots disappear. And reappear. He can’t make up his mind what he wants to say.
Finally a message appears.
Don’t do me any favors
I can picture his eyes narrowed, trying and failing to hide his hurt behind a screen of coolness.
It wouldn’t be a favor, asshole. I cheated
Doesn’t matter, asshole. I don’t want to play in the exhibition match anymore anyway
He’s such a pouter.
Don’t sulk
I’m not sulking. I have plans that day
Already?
Yeah just got the message
Do I believe him? I’m not sure. His pride could make him give up the match, even if he wanted it. Hard to tell what’s going through his head sometimes.
And you’re not mad at me?
No, Dane. I don’t care enough about you to be mad
That remark slices deep. Deeper than I like to admit.
Anyway. I tried. I offered him the win, and he threw it in my face. I should forget this now. He doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. I should take him at his word. This works out for the both of us. He gets his big “plans”, if they exist, and I get my game.
I throw the phone onto the other chair and finally drag myself off the sofa. I go upstairs and strip, getting under the shower, shivering when the hot water hits my cold skin. I already showered at the club, but I was too distracted by pissing off Alex to rinse my hair properly. I rewash in a morose mood. Usually about now I jerk off thinking about Alex’s head thrown back and his neck arching as he comes for me. Sometimes I think about the two of us doing it in a real bed, rose petals, candles scattered around the room, all that romantic shit. It feels wrong this time, after the conversation we just had.
Why do I keep treating him like shit? It goes all the way back to school. The worst thing I ever did to him happened when we were both fourteen. Peak bullying age, in our school at least. It was around Christmas time. Alex waited for me under the mistletoe that had been sellotaped by some romantic soul to the wall of the school corridor. I don’t know how he got the balls to do it. Lots of people had kissed there before. Always boys and girls. But he had the nerve to stand there, looking atmemeaningfully. Like he actually thought I had the courage to do it in front of everyone. We’d flirted a little, but only ever in private. I wasn’t out like he was. He knew that. What was he thinking?
I froze, panicking, as everyone looked at Alex, and then looked at me. I didn’t move, hoping I could play it off as Alex’s unrequited crush. As long as I didn’t step toward him, as long as I looked confused about the whole thing, everything would be all right. No one could guess at the extremely not-straight thoughts about Alex that had been running through my head for weeks. Then Rob, the biggest asshole on the rugby team, cameover holding a can of Coke. As Alex stood there waiting for my kiss, Rob poured the Coke over his head. I’ll never forget the look on Alex’s face. Shock and then so much hurt. A couple of students laughed as Coke dripped down his chin, staining his white uniform shirt. A few more started yelling at Rob for being homophobic and a dick. I didn’t laugh, and I didn’t yell. I just froze. I wasn’t the one who did it. I wasn’t the bully. But I wasn’t the protector, either. I could’ve just kissed Alex before Rob had a chance to pounce. But I didn’t doanything.
I was a coward then, and I’m a coward now.
