“I told you,” I say as I drive by a turnout on the road, one I’ve had to stop at several times over the last year because I seem to get an inordinate amount of flat tires, “that I’m not coming over tonight. Enjoy your free evening with Joey—they don’t come around all that often during the season.”
Because my brother is a former professional hockey player—former because he gave it up to protect me—and the current General Manager for the Sierra Hockey organization.
And Joey, his woman, the love of his life, and his fiancée, is the head coach for the team.
For ten months of the year they live and breathe hockey, and since we’re in those ten months, the season underway, nights off don’t come around all that often.
“They don’t,” he says, “but I haven’t seen you since last week, kid. I need my Kylie fix.”
God, I love my big brother.
“I’ll come to the game tomorrow,” I offer as I turn into my apartment complex. “Tonight, I need a bath and to binge bad TV.”
“Kylie,” he says gently.
“What?”
“I don’t think you should be alone today.” It’s still gentle, but it’s enough to trigger my memory, my recollection of what today’s date is.
My stomach churns, hands clenching on the steering wheel, a knot of emotion clogging my throat.
Thankfully, I’m pulling into my parking spot and not driving along the twisting two-lane road because it’s all I can do to brake and put the transmission into park.
Then breathe until I can say, “My students have done my head in today.”
“Yeah they’ll do that,” he says lightly before his tone softens, “but you know you don’t have to pretend with me, kid.”
“I know,” I whisper. “Which means I know you’ll believe me when I tell you that I didn’t remember what day it was until you reminded me.”
It’s true.
My past is never far away.
But not once had it occurred to me what date today was…and what it changed in me.
He’s quiet. Then his curse turns the air blue. “Ky,” he says when he’s finished, “I’m?—”
“Don’t.” I force my hands to relax on the steering wheel. “You gave me that peace, big bro. Let’s take that win.”
More quiet. Then a sigh. “I love you.”
“Ugh,” I groan.
“What’d I do now, kid?”
“You’re all happy and in love and in touch with your emotions and shit. It’s freaking adorable.”
His chuckle soothes the rough edges of the past. “This is something to complain about?”
“Yup,” I say. “Little sis privileges.”
He laughs again and I know that he’ll let it go, let me go and have the night I said I wanted…but I also know that he needs me beside him tonight, needs to know I’m safe and healed and living my life.
And if there’s anything I need, it’s to help him heal his wounds right back.
To be useful.
To be needed right back.
