I climb up after her, grabbing a beer before we settle back in together.
Sophia tucks into my chest while she eats her sandwich, staring up at the sky like it’s the most magical thing she’s ever seen. I don’t know that she’s ever been out of the city; if small town Texas is blowing her mind, I ought to take her somewhere there’s no wifi or phone service some day.
We sit for something close to two hours, watching the sky and listening to the wind pass through the trees and the owls hooting into the void as they wake up. I’d probably stay out here forever with her, if I could.
•
The lights are still on inside when we get back to the house, with Martina’s music playing quietly from the living room. I poke my head around the entryway to find her in her chair, squishing a bean bag in her hands. Bill’s probably just in the other room, but I don’t want to leave her by herself.
Dropping a hand to the small of Sophia’s back, I tell her, “I’ll be up there in a sec, Sugar.”
I press a quick kiss to the top of her head and move into the living room, heading for the bookshelf behind Martina’s chair. I scan through the books, finally pulling one out, and I drag another chair over next to hers before dropping into it.
“Hey, Mama, you’re up awful late.” She looks at me, trying to place me. She thinks I’m just some guy sitting next to her, who reminds her of her son. “Want me to read you somethin’?”
“Yes.” She nods, and I smile at her, just happy that she even knows I’m here.
Every hour, I’m worried that some other part of her will get disappeared, and she won’t be able to see or talk orbreatheanymore. I worry that her heart will finally give out orher kidneys will fail or she’ll have a stroke or...I worry about everything, with her.
“Alright. You’ll like this one, it’s a classic. Pretty good book, too – my mom read it to me a lot. I told her I didn’t want her to, ‘cause I was too big to have someone reading to me, but – now don’t go telling her this, alright?” I lean in to whisper to her, “I loved it. It was the first book anyone ever read to me.” Cracking open the book, I cross an ankle over my knee and clear my throat. “’There was once a velveteen rabbit, and in the beginnin’, he was really splendid.’”
FORTY-ONE
Sophia
I perch on the foot of the stairs, my elbows rested on my knees, and I listen to Eric reading to his mother. I listen to the gentle timbre of his voice carry through the lower floor of the house. I listen to the different voices that he uses for each of the characters. I listen to his voice break as he reads,‘You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily or have sharp edges or who have to be carefully kept.’I listen as he calls her ‘Mama’ and tells her how much he loves her. I listen as he steadies his breath before he leaves the room.
And when he steps past the entryway, I stand to wrap my arms tightly around his neck with tears in my eyes as he bends to tuck his face into the crook of my neck.
“Come on, giant,” I tell him softly.
I take his hands in mine and lead him up the stairs toward his old bedroom, wishing against everything that I could take this away for him. He pulled me from my pain. He saved me. All I want to do is bring him the same peace, and not being able to burns a hole through every layer of my insides.
In his bed, I curl my body against Eric’s, stroking his raven hair behind his ear. “You can feel this,” I tell him. “You’ve done such a good job of putting it all away and beingas normal as possible for her, and that’s okay out there; but in here, you don’t have to be normal. You can just be a son whose heart is broken. She’s your mom, and she’s dying, and itsucks.”
“I just— if I couldhavedonesomething…”
“You couldn’t, and that’s not fair,” I say. “It isn’t fair that you can’t fix it. It isn’t fair that someone so good has a cancer so ugly. It isn’t fair that you have to lose her, and it is so incredibly fucking unfair that you don’t get to tell her a proper goodbye.” My palm rests against his chest, rubbing soothing circles while tears well up in his eyes. “This pain is a reflection of how much you love her, and you are allowed to feel every bit of that.”
“I don’t want to.”
“I know, but feel it anyway.” I rest my head against his shoulder. “She took you to all of those doctors to help you get your pain out. Don’t squash it down now, when she needs you to feel it.”
A pang of guilt hits me when a sharp breath leaves him, followed by a quiet sob. “Fuck,” he whispers as his hand comes up to cover his face.
I wrap my entire body around him, squeezing as tight as I can while he cries, his sobs eventually no longer muffled. “I know, I’m so sorry,” I whisper to him. “It isn’t fair.”
My own tears fall silently against the fabric of his t-shirt while I hold him, listening to every hard beat of his broken heart. I’ve seen him close to tearsoncesince I met him; I’ve never heard him cry. The sound of it etches itself deep into the corners of my mind with the rest of the painful things tucked away there. The things that I never want to revisit, but will never forget.
I’m not sure how much time passes before his tears stop, and I’m not sure how long afterward it is that we lay in silence, my body still wrapped around his.
He rolls onto his side, facing me, and I stroke his hair behind his ear while I look into his eyes, his long lashes stuck together with the tears that have dried on them.
“I love you, giant,” I tell him as I tuck my head against his chest.
His finger hooks beneath my chin and he lifts my gaze to meet his. “I wanna marry you, Sugar,” he tells me, and a fiery blush burns through my cheeks. “I didn’t plan this out; I don’t have a ring or anything, but I wanna be old and ornery and falling asleep with you every night for sixty damn years. I’m gonna marry you.”
I can’t fight the grin that spreads across my face. “I don’t need a ring, Eric.”
