“You better go.”
Anger flashed in the look Marston gave him, but then, behind that, like a secret message only Kell could decode, was a darker depth, simmering like sadness or maybe regret.
“I don’t want to,” said Kell, his voice breaking halfway through, his heart dropping.
“I think you should.” Marston stood his ground, the shadow from the overhead bulb casting the hard planes of his face in stark relief.
“You don’t know what’s best for me.” Kell stood up even straighter, anger bolstering him, to match Marston’s strength, and was surprised to see Marston’s shoulders sag and roll forward as if in defeat.
All of the energy flew out of Kell, and all he wanted to do was apologize and find out what was going on. Did Marston want him? Or was he playing a mean game of kiss-kick?
“Please.”
The single word was clear and clipped. There were a thousand ways to interpret it, but Kell knew he could see straight to the heart of the matter. Somehow, he could, because this had happened before, when Marston had made that onion sandwich for him and Kell had returned the favor by making open faced butter-and-sugar sandwiches.
They’d shared more than the food, they’d shared a moment, only Marston had turned away then as he was turning away now.
Marston wanted him, pure and simple. But didn’t want to want him, for a whole host of reasons, much to do with his sense of responsibility and ethics and a bunch of other bullshit.
Kell knew that if he pushed it, he could probably get what he wanted. He could get his way and stop being a virgin by the time the sun came up. But to do that would hurt Marston to the core. Maybe all this was too fast too soon, but Kell was going to have to tuck down his desire to do what Marston needed him to, at least for now.
“Okay,” said Kell. He held out his hand. “But can I keep the towel? And can I have a flashlight? It’s pitch dark.”
The simple request seemed to calm Marston, as perhaps no attempt at reassurance would. And it made Kell feel older, as if he’d matured inside of the last two minutes, looking out for someone else, doing what was best for them. As to how long that might last, he didn’t know. But he got his towel and a little blue mini Maglite flashlight, and tried to slow his heart back down.
“See you in the morning?” he asked, making it into a little bit of an apology and inquiry all at once:Are you okay?
“Yeah,” said Marston. “See you in the morning.”
Kell turned and left the tent, stepping down from the wooden platform even as Marston was zipping the tent closed behind him. Then, gripping both the towel and the flashlight perhaps a tad too tightly, he made his way back to his tent.
There he found Wayne just as naked as he’d been at the lake, rubbing his hair with a towel.
“Got moss on me,” he said. “And mud. Took a shower. You gonna take one?”
Taking a shower would mean washing Marston’s touch from his skin, and that he most definitely didn’t want to do.
“No, I’m good,” he said as he folded the towel and tucked it under his pillow.
Instead of the shower, he stripped to the skin, beyond feeling abashed to be fully naked in front of another man. He sensed Wayne tossing his damp towel over the foot of his cot, regardless of the fact that, left that way, it would dry full of fungus and mildew. As Wayne climbed into bed, grunting good-naturedly, mumbling something about Kell turning off the light, Kell stepped fully naked onto the wooden platform, the edges of the open zipper on the screen scratching across his shoulders.
Behind him, the tent emitted a sliver of light, but all around him, in the depths of the woods, it was dark. Overhead, the stars gleamed silver in a blue blanket as a cool wind sifted along his skin like a caress, a kiss. Whoever would stay in this tent, once the valley was complete and the parolees had moved on to the next phase in their lives, guests would get their money’s worth, for sure.
As for now, in this moment, Kell closed his eyes, palms splayed across his bare chest, and dipped his head, not quite in prayer, but in reverence. He’d had his first kiss with a nice man, a really nice man, just like in his dreams. A sweet moment, shared by two, and if whatever was happening between him and Marston went no further, he’d live on it for the rest of his life.
Chapter24
Marston
Unsteady on his feet, Marston clenched and unclenched his hands as he listened to Kell’s footsteps disappearing into the darkness.
You’d better go, he’d said, when what he’d wanted to say was,You’d better stay. I need you to stay. You make me feel alive.
Kell had made him feel more alive in that moment, in those two moments, while they’d been swimming, and all the days since his arrival there than he’d ever felt in his whole life. If the ranch job had been magical, and the valley job like a fantasy come to life, Kell’s arrival had become a whirlwind of the two, a consummate dream, where Marston’s every wish, spoken, unspoken, unknown, had come true.
Only now, as the night settled in, the sound of distant thunder echoing in his ears, the rasp of canvas rubbing against itself as the slight wind rose and fell, he knew he needed to squash his own feelings flat, for Kell’s sake. Kell was young in so many ways, even if his years on the road had hardened him, flinted his edges and experience. Made him wiser than most nineteen-year-olds Marston had met, not that he’d met many.
He’d come to the valley for the opportunity of doing his parole and making a new life for himself. The last thing he needed was Marston mooning over him, wanting him. Putting pressure on Kell to stay with him forever and ever.
