As he clipped through the last bit of bark along the base of the trunk, he lifted the chainsaw away, reaching to turn it off as he watched the tree tumble through the air. And though his mouth opened in warning, not a single sound came out. Without knowing how else to warn them, he ran the chainsaw faster, and shoved it into the time-hardened tree stump, where it made an awful clattering and snapped the chain.
Wayne and Gabe looked up just in time and skittered out of the way as the tree crashed to the ground, and when Blaze turned off the broken chainsaw, an unearthly silence filled the air.
This was it. Gabe was going to yell at him, fire him, send him elsewhere to finish his parole a different way. The prospect of this loss made him shake all over as he dropped the chainsaw to the ground and whipped off his eye protection, his earmuffs, flinging them away into the undergrowth.
“Holyshit,” said Wayne, loud enough to scare birds from branches.
Gabe touched Wayne’s shoulder as if making sure of him, then came around the fallen tree to where Blaze was. On his face was nothing but concern, though he looked a little white, and a bit of sweat had plastered his hair to his temples.
“Are you okay?” Gabe asked when he was close enough not to have to shout. In fact, his voice was low and steady as it always was, and as he came right up to Blaze, his hand reached out, not to strike, but to touch. As if Gabe wanted to be sure of him, too.
“I fucked up,” said Blaze, blurting this out to get it over with. “I didn’t check the felling path. You both could’ve gotten hurt. Killed.”
“We’re fine,” said Gabe. He took off his leather gloves and tucked them into his belt. Then he curled his fingers around Blaze’s arm, quite gently.
“I broke the chainsaw,” said Blaze, desperate to be understood. “They’re expensive. I know that.”
“They are,” agreed Gabe. “But when you broke it, you did that to warn us. Besides, you’re worth more than any chainsaw.”
Blaze shook his head because this idea was ridiculous, and Gabe ought to know that.
“You are,” said Gabe. “More importantly, tell me what you learned right now.”
“What?” asked Blaze, feeling totally stupid, even more so as Wayne came up to join them, slapping his leather gloves in the palm of his hand, grinning like he was enjoying Blaze squirming under Gabe’s scrutiny like he was.
“Sure, we had a near miss.” Gesturing at the tree, Gabe seemed almost too calm for a guy who just about got his brains smashed in. “But this is how we learn. You won’t forget to check the felling path next time, will you.” It was not a question. Then Gabe added, “You don’t look like you got any sleep last night. Did you?”
If Wayne looked disappointed that Blaze wasn’t going to get hauled across the coals, Blaze actuallyfeltdisappointed. He should have gotten yelled at. It might have helped focus him if he’d gotten yelled at. Most of all, was this guy for real? He’d almost gotten killed by Blaze’s carelessness, and his first concern, well, maybe his second concern, was whether or not Blaze had gotten any sleep.
“You didn’t, did you.” Gabe moved a bit closer, as if he wanted to make sure Wayne didn’t overhear him or see the gentle expression in his eyes.
It was so like Gabe to simply see that something was wrong and follow his concern by a desire to do something about it. But what could Gabe do? Hold Blaze while he slept?
The thought was ridiculous but oddly comforting, but it gave Blaze enough energy to shrug a bit and smile in what he hoped was a self-derisive way.
“I didn’t,” he said, disassembling with the absolute truth, which he followed with a lie. “I’ll catch up tonight, though,” he said. “Thanks for not yelling.”
“Like I said,” said Gabe. “This is how we learn. And I’m not here to penalize you for not being an expert lumberjack. I’m here to help you build new skills, like how to trust yourself, your team, me.”
Gabe’s gentle grasp on Blaze’s arm turned warm, almost a caress.
“Why don’t we take a break,” Gabe said. “We can get some iced tea and update the map. That way, we can streamline our efforts, rather than just using brute force to get through this project. Sound good?”
“Sure,” said Blaze, casting a glance at Wayne. Who, true to his nature, did a little happy dance at the prospect of not working. “Iced tea sounds good.”
He could have told the truth just then. Could have done as Gabe had asked, and trusted Gabe with what was really going on. Only that would mean opening up all the parts of himself that he’d shut off two years ago when his family had betrayed him.
He wasn’t ready for that kind of vulnerability, or at least he didn’t think he was. When Gabe found out what a fucking coward Blaze was, he wouldn’t be concerned anymore. He’d be disgusted and turn away, and that Blaze knew he couldn’t bear.
Chapter19
Blaze
Blaze managed to get through the rest of the day, squinting through the blur his vision had become. He did his best to appear cheerful as they looked at the map and updated it with a red grease pencil. He did his best to eat his dinner and sit in the mess tent to watch the movie Wayne had picked out, which was, oddly,My Cousin Vinny.
Gabe made popcorn that Blaze could barely eat, though he did his best to pretend he was eating it, avoiding scrutiny with as much energy as he could muster.
When the movie was over, the popcorn bucket empty, Blaze said something that might have resembledGoodnight, everybody, and stumbled to his tent. There he turned on the light, sat on his cot, and did his best to prepare for the endless wait until dawn.
