Soar higher than I could ever imagine.
‘Everyone has seen fit to point out to me that we should wait to properly celebrate,’ Hypatia said, stirring him from his reveries of her, as he stared out the window, onto the grounds which were becoming ever more resplendent and grateful for their continued tending. ‘Which of course makes complete sense, we’ve only just had our harvest dinner, but I feel is somewhat insulting to Clyde and Belinda’s efforts. Or perhaps I’m just turning into an aristocrat after all, wanting to have parties for any reason.’
‘I would say do as you like, we’ve money to spare, but even despite our recent success, and the purchase of that new coach, I’m afraid we’re still pauperis lords and ladies.’
‘Yes, yes. I’ve already chosen a date close to All Hallow’s, once we’ve helped Reeves with his sheep, and much of our own winter preparations are set to be done, and plans are already underway for then. Any news I should know of?’ Hypatia asked, and he heard her coming towards the desk.
For the briefest moment, he pondered letting her find the letter herself, so he wouldn’t have to speak, or explain himself, and find words he’d not managed to in his months of preparation, yet he knew that wasn’t fair, in the least, and not how he wanted to…
End this. That is the term.
‘A letter from London,’ he said, as unemotionally as he could, before turning to face her.Damn it.She looked so delightful, so reassuring and wondrous, standing there, a scarf on her head, her worst clothes on to prepare for a day with the pigs.How I love you.‘The solicitors have managed to secure me rooms of acceptable size, location, and price.’
‘I didn’t realise you’d asked them to do so,’ she frowned slightly, taken off-guard. ‘But then, it is clever, since it won’t be long at all before we need return there.’
The slight darkening of her eyes, the memory perhaps of all that awaited there, or the anticipated loss of this life, told him he was doing the right thing.
I will not adulterate her life now that it is so full.
‘We won’t be going anywhere, Hypatia. I will be returning to London alone, likely first thing in the morning.’
‘I don’t understand,’ she said, staring at him in that manner which broke his heart, and though he knew it was a risk, he rounded the desk to stand before her properly, taking her handsin his. ‘Our plans, Reeves, the winter, you have time, we have time—’
‘Everything will be fine and well without me here. If there is anything grave, or you needanything, send word, but otherwise, you don’t need me here.’ She opened her mouth to object, but he squeezed her hands gently, urging her to listen. ‘We always knew this day would come, perhaps it’s why we never spoke of it, Hypatia. There is more to being the Earl of Gadmin than running this estate. I’ve responsibilities in London I can’t eschew forever, much as I might like to. And to properly fulfil them, I need time, to learn how it all works, make myself known, understand where I stand on things… I won’t just sit there as I did earlier this year, lost in a world I didn’t understand. I can make a change now, make a difference, and to let the power I now hold go unused, would be a waste, and an insult to who I was before. Who I am now.’
‘Then we go together. I’m your countess, I should be by your side—’
‘You should stay here, Hypatia. You’re happy here,’ he breathed, willing her to disagree, which of course, she couldn’t. ‘With time, and work, perhaps we could find a way to be in the city together, but the truth is, you belong here. It is your home, and you are…yourself here. Magnificent. The best caretaker and manager of this place that anyone could ever be, though know, I don’t leave you here to take care of all this for me. You have launched yourself into this farm, this life, with all you are, and set yourself, and any dreams you could find aside. It would be the same in London. So I leave you here, because you are happy, and I will not take that from you. I thought of hiring someone, to take over, but it would not have been fair, and said much I wouldn’t have meant. But given time, alone, here, you will have the freedom, I hope, to see when you are ready for something more, and search for it. I want you to dream, and live thosedreams. To go explore, to start something new. I’m leaving you here, because you were chained to a life you didn’t want before, and I won’t do that to you. It would kill that spirit I love so much. So I am telling you to stay, and be happy, and know that whatever you want, or need to do or become whatever you want, it will be yours. However, if we don’t part now…together won’t be your choice. It will be your duty, your responsibility, and you should only be responsible for what you choose to be. That’s why I took care of Truffél, you know. So you would be free not to.’
‘I won’t be so happy without you,’ she argued, incomprehension still filling her.
In time though, she’ll see.
‘Yes, you will. You don’t need me, Hypatia. You never did, and that is good,’ he reassured her, understanding that now, running his knuckles along her cheeks. ‘I like to think that I helped you, gave you the means to escape a life you weren’t happy in, to see what could be, but that is all. I love you, Hypatia,’ he finally told her, and she blinked, frowning slightly more, not surprised, but mortally confused. ‘And at first, when I realised, perhaps even before, I longed for you to need me as I do, to live, to breathe, but that isn’t the right way of things. I shouldn’t need you to be happy, and so I am glad that you don’t. I didn’t tell you before because my love for you, I never want it to limit you. I want you to grow, and experience all you might not if I remain with you. I understand, love was never part of our bargain, but I thank you, for allowing me to feel it again. Now consider this my gift to you. For you might miss me, and I will you, but in time, you will find another freedom you never had. And that day, you will understand why I am leaving, and I will rejoice for you.’
Tears gathered in Hypatia’s eyes, as they did in his, and she shook her head, though she didn’t argue; for he was right.
After a long moment silently battling with him, and herself most likely, she fell into him, hugging him tightly, and so hewrapped her in his arms, sure she could hear his heart breaking and rejoicing all at once for her future, and her tears soaked his shirt, while his fell into her hair, and they remained there a very, very long while.
And then they remained there a while longer than that.
This is all for the best, no matter how terribly it shatters my soul.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Goodbyes—at least ones of this magnitude—were foreign things to Hypatia; but then she supposed much, like love, was. There was a sense in her, that despite her thirty-some-odd years on this earth, despite all she’d learned and become, she was still so very inexperienced when it came to all that being alive, and being human, encompassed.
One thing her time on this earth had taught her, however, was that sometimes, one had to rely on the advice, and expertise of those who had experience in certain matters—be it sowing seeds, rearing pigs, or love.
So despite the fact that she was a mess inside, her heart aching beyond anything she’d known before; despite the fact that she didn’t understand how someone could say they loved you in one breath, and then were leaving you in the next, the fact of the matter remained as it had from their very first meeting: she trusted Thorn. She’d trusted him from the first, and learned every day since to trust him more, until she trusted him with everything she was, and so if he said it was best that he left, she would believe him.
Yesterday, last night, had been so strange there weren’t really words for it. It was as if she had become discorporate, and gone through the motions of living and breathing and doing by rote, rather than with any sort of awareness. She might’ve betterprepared for this,the goodbye, had she been able to think on it at all, but she’d been too shocked, too discombobulated, to do anything but what she normally did. Even last night, sharing perhaps her last time with Thorn, she might’ve usedthatto say and express all she couldn’t with words—that she would miss him, that she would mourn what they’d been, that she wanted him to stay, that she was angry with him—or even found some way tomake an occasionof it. Instead, she’d just been with him, and tried to catalogue every detail again, and let every ounce of passion in her flesh express itself, and that was that.
And now it is too late.
‘You’ll write, as soon as you arrive,’ she reminded Thorn, as he passed his last few things to Ian, to be stored in what little bags he brought with him, riding as he was.
‘I promise,’ he smiled gently, turning back to her, the pale pink, cerulean, and dusky lavender notes of dawn framing him as if in a watercolour, making him appear some great god of the dawn, or fae, or mythical hero, off to never return.But he will, I will see him again, even if it doesn’t feel thus just now.‘And you’ll send news, and let me know if anything is needed.’
