‘No. I find you disarmingly honest.’
‘Sometimes those can be the same thing.’
‘Not in this instance. You speak your heart, not something to injure another. And I think, maybe you were never given a chance to love them, as a daughter or sister would. Never given the chance tobefamily. You were asked to grow up, to fulfil duties not yours to bear, and so you could never be true daughter or sister.’
‘Perhaps.’
‘Are they…a reason you do not want children?’
Frowning, Hypatia made herI am thinking seriously before I answerface.
‘In part, it is likely I suppose. A fear of having to care for another creature, or a fear of repeating my own upbringing. But I never dreamt of being a mother. Never felt the urge others do. Whether that ties into knowing it wasn’t what was planned for me, I cannot be certain, but I think not. Rather, I’ve never wanted it enough, and one should, truly want it. If one has a choice. So perhaps there was freedom, in never believing it wasmy inevitable fate or duty, but being allowed to make my own choice. What about you?’
‘I thought about it many times,’ he admitted, quieter than he’d meant to, which was telling, he supposed, not that he minded, he found. ‘I was prepared to do it, I could see myself doing it, yet equally, when…certain things happened, when I was alone again, untethered, I found, I didn’t mind, having lost that possibility of fatherhood. Like you, I realised I had a choice, and mine wasn’t for a child. I realised I had been ready tomore seriouslyconsider the possibility because others wanted it, expected it, even my father, and I…well, part of me hadn’t wanted to disappoint. Then, when I inherited all this… I may not have wanted it, but I wanted to commit to it, in a manner I hadn’t wanted to commit to many other things before.’
‘The woman you loved once…’ Hypatia began tentatively, watching her hands ebb and flow beneath the surface, and Thorn sighed.
He hesitated, knowing one word would stop her, but that eventually, they would need speak of it, and now was as good a time as any, he supposed. Naked as he was, he felt safe, and though it wasn’t about atit for tat, he had to give as well as he got if he wanted this relationship to have solid foundations, to carry them through to a future he now saw he wanted.
A lasting one, of friends, at the very least.
‘Will you tell me of her?’
‘She’s called Helen,’ he began, trying to find the beginning, the end, the middle; the various parts which would answer all the questions contained in Hypatia’s sole spoken one. ‘Her family were involved in all sorts of business—fishing, markets, and so on—and I wouldn’t say we grew up together, but I had a very early awareness of her, as I did of most in our environs. About a decade ago, after a few years admittedlyenjoyingmyself around town, my best friend Frank—who I had grown up with—and I ran into her and a friend of hers at a fete. And I think… I fell in love right then, or at least, I had a profound sense she wouldmatterto my life. We began courting, we met each other’s families… We made plans, or at least…’ Thorn frowned, leaning back again to draw some inspiration from the passing copper and pink clouds above. ‘I thought we did, but in all honesty, I realise now, I don’t think we ever did. Not together. It was more a sense of yes, we’d marry someday, and build a life, but looking back, we never truly said or spoke of what we wanted outright. I suppose… Well, her parents were very successful, and I had built up my business well enough, but I think I worried—despite never hearing them say anything of the sort—that they wished for someone able and willing to take over for them in time. Or really, just someone worthier. They are also Catholic, and not until a few years ago would marriage have not been complicated, and my father died four years ago, and I took quite a while to grieve, and years passed… I say all that, but the core truth is, we were together for eight years, and in all that time… Many things happened except us speaking properly, or me asking what she wanted. I just thought we were happy. That it would all fall into place or work itself out, or… I don’t know.’
Sighing heavily, Thorn straightened again, shaking his head, and throwing a glance at Hypatia, who merely looked back at him, without judgement, without anything but pure invitation and openness.
‘She left me for Frank,’ he told her, no easy way he supposed to cut to the end of the tale. ‘Rather, I caught them together, about two years ago, and I’ve no idea how long it was going on for, but I imagine that’s telling, that I didn’t ask. She told me she wanted more, that she wanted commitment, and more than the life she’d had up until then, or that of a blacksmith’s wife. I’d thought she was happy to be such a wife, to live such a simple life, but then, looking back, I think she was fooled bymy ambitions to grow my father’s business and thought, I don’t know, that I’d build a smithing empire or some such.’
‘I wonder what she thought of your change in fortune,’ Hypatia commented.
‘I’ve no idea, though Frank came to visit when I was back there. He said they were happy for me, and I wished them well, and in truth, I do. Their betrayal cut deeply, and I don’t condone it, though I might have forgiven them—I’m not quite certain yet,’ he said with a grin that Hypatia mirrored, understanding in her gaze. ‘I suppose I am coming to realise that though I loved her deeply, there was always a sense of disconnect. Of not being partners.’
The weight of that realisation was compounded by another; that he and Hypatia had learned to communicate and become partners with ease and rapidity. Whether it was a lack of expectation—of love, of being happy, of their marriage being romantic—or because their characters more readily matched, he wasn’t sure, and didn’t rightly care, so long as they continued as they’d begun.
‘And I suppose, your character hasn’t changed, so there is that,’ Hypatia noted, and he smiled, broadly.
‘It doesn’t bother you, my lack of ambition?’
‘I don’t believe you lack in ambition, only your ambitions are simple, and liable to change with time. Right now, your ambition is to see this place thrive, and that is more than enough.’
‘My ambition is to see all of us thrive.’
‘As I said. More than enough.’
For now. Yet I cannot help but wonder if someday that will not be enough for you.
And I would not blame you. For you deserve more than this world itself.
‘Would you have married? Given the choice? Regardless of expectation? Need?’
‘I don’t know that I would’ve. For myself. Committing to another…gladly. After…their betrayal, I had no intention of ever doing so, and less of committing in any manner to love. Risk, choosing wrong again. Learning I had to marry, well, I was not pleased, and I still feared choosing badly, however, it felt like less of a risk.’
‘You wouldn’t be risking your heart.’
‘Precisely. Only my great fortune. What of you, Hypatia?’ he asked, rather than lose himself in pleasant, but useless meanderings of the mind. Rather than admit:I am glad it was you I married in the end. ‘Has anyone ever captured your heart?’
‘No,’ she smiled gently, paddling her hands and feet softly, moving, but not to distract, to feel the water’s flow around her. How he knew, well, he didn’t know. ‘But then I never sought it, nor was I open to it. My life was planned for me, and once, when I first came of age, and was told of my dowry, I think I hoped someone might take me away from it. Then I learned what the truth behind the mirage of freedom was, and I accepted my fate, finding pleasure where I could. I’d long read about the promise and wonder of more sensual delights, and was already very much interested in discovering them for myself, and so I found them discreetly where I could—a handsome groom here, an interested party at a gathering there—but I knew I could never have love.’
