He was more than an asshole. He was downright evil. And the fact that Lucifer kept him around, even after all he’d put Lilith through, was sitting with me as well as a week-old burrito at the bottom of my stomach.
“Hey, wait,” Lucifer called to me as I stomped out of the car, cursing its stupid high-tech doors for robbing me of the satisfaction of slamming a car door in anger. My name on his lips froze me where I was, standing just before the elevator door. But I didn’t turn around, didn’t turn to meet his gaze. I didn’t want him to see the tears that burned my eyes.
“You’re angry,” he said after a very tense second crawled by on hands and knees.
“Why did you show me that?” My voice wavered with my tears, giving them away even if he couldn’t see them.
He walked around the car and planted himself in front of me, blocking my path to the elevator. “Because I thought it was important for you to see that no one can stand in our way. Besides, I believed you were under the impression that I was the one to put Abaddon in his place. I only did that the first time we met, and that’s when I took his crown.Youwere the one to teach him that you weren’t his toy anymore. You not only held your own, Jessica; youpulled outhis fucking intestines and made him wear it.”
Lucifer raked his fingers through his dark locks, his shoulders shaking with a laugh as if he still couldn’t believe it after all these years. “Abaddon never tried to take you or the crown back after that. It was difficult earning his loyalty after you were gone, but it would have probably been a whole hell of a lot harder if it wasn’t for that little scar you gave him as a memento. And from that point on, I think he respected you as a queen and knew he couldn’t handle you or the throne.”
My belly simmered with anger. I shook my head, my gaze affixed to the concrete floor of the parking garage. “You don’t get it. Can’t you read my mind or something? Read my damn mind so you can get it through your skull how upset I am with you.”
There was another minute of silence, so tensely quietly I could hear my own heartbeat slamming in my ears. Lucifer pulled in a slow, steady breath of air then let it back out again. The hot rush of air ticked my face, making my cheeks hot.
“No, Kitten. I can’t decipher your thoughts when they’re in a big damn tangle like this. Use your words and tell me exactly what I’ve done to wrong you so.”
I jerked my chin up, my gaze snapping together with his for the first time since the Third Circle. My heart pulsated in my chest, Reckless Jessica making the juncture between my thighs drip with lust from the intense way he regarded me.
“I’m not your damn kitten. Stop calling me that. I’m not Lilith. Now take me to this next miserable memory so we can get this over with and I can go home. I never want to see you again.”
His full lips curved downward into a pained frown that tugged at my chest.Fuck. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to steady my breath. I hated him.
Liar, Reckless Jessica growled at me.
Shut up, I hissed at her internally.I hate you even more. I hate how much you’re loving every second of this. I hate that you’re actually buying into this entire crazy nightmare. I hate that you love him.
Liar, she repeated in my ear with a smug purr.
I was thankful that Lucifer wasn’t in my head at that moment because I don’t know what I’d do if he’d heard that little exchange with my inner self. Like a damn crazy person.
Maybe I was crazy. I wasn’t Lilith, so why was my anger toward the demon burning me up on the inside like he had personally wronged me? I felt for Lilith, but would I really be feeling this way if I truly believed that she was one hundred percent dead and gone?
“There are so many things I don’t understand about you, Lucifer. But now I’m completely at a loss for words.”
His brow creased with a V, his golden eyes glittering with confusion. “What is the matter?”
I let out an exasperated scoff. “Heis the matter. Fucking Abaddon! I knew he was a jerk, but—” I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to hold back more tears. “You heard what he said. Those words. He hurt me—he hurt Lilith,” I quickly corrected. “He said those horrible things about you using her as if she were just another thing to be used, like the crown. He treated his queen like a hole to fuck and nothing more. And he only ever wanted her in her demon form when he did it. That’s why she hated her beast so much. It reminded her of him.”
Lucifer gripped my chin. I tried to rip it away, but he wouldn’t let go, his fingers gentle yet stronger than anything I’d ever felt against me. “Look at me, Jessica.”
With a thick swallow, I did. I opened my eyes and stared straight into his. My heart crystallized in my chest the moment I saw a smile lurking at the corner of his lips. No matter how soft and kind that smile, he shouldn’t be fuckinggrinningat my pain.
“Stop fucking smiling! You have some damn nerve, mocking my pain. How you could be his friend after the things he did to me. I get you’re the devil, but you’re supposed to love me. So you go befriend my abuser?” My voice came out shrill, and my pulse pounded so fast I thought I might throw up my heart for a second.
“Jessica…” My name was so sweet on his lips, so perfect. Spoken with reverence, like a prayer. It sent a bolt of searing anger and confusion through me, with all the grace of a deadly lightning strike. I shoved him as hard as I could, a cry of half frustration, half anguish slipping past my lips. He didn’t budge. Instead, he held onto my wrists, keeping them braced against his chest.
“Jessica… Listen to what you’re saying. What he did toyou?Yourabuser?”
Lucifer held my head and began to stroke my hair. “You’re beginning to remember.” Now his voice was choked with emotion. “Thank The Fates.”
“No,” I lied. At least it felt like a lie. I wasn’t sure what to believe anymore. My head was filled with memories, half my own, half Lilith’s. They weren’t good memories. They were horrible and dark, and they felt like weights on my heart. I sagged against him, sobbing.
He wrapped his arms around me, and we slid to the ground together, a tangle of limbs and hot tears. He consoled me by stroking my hair, his ever-steady smile infuriatingly comforting.
“I’m so confused, Lucifer…” I blinked back my tears and pulled away to look at him, an epiphany lighting up my nerves like a dynamite fuse. “Wait. We knew from Lilith’s memories that she hated to shift, but we didn’t really know why. She never said it was because Abaddon made her lie with him in her true form, did she?”
His head shook, his beautiful features wearing a somber expression. “We haven’t visited that one yet. You dug up that memory your own. Your memories are coming back, Kitten. I’m just sad that the first one was of Abaddon.”
