“But what do you do when you try all that, but it still feels bad? If you’re still scared?”
“Well, in that case, my dear, you do it scared.”
“Do it scared?”
I nodded. “If you have that awful feeling, you stop and observe the situation and find that it’s safe, but youstillhave that ickiness? That’s okay. Just do it scared. Whether it’s taking a test. Trying something for the first time. Trying to make a new friend, or trying out for a sport. Just do it scared. It’s better to try even when you’re frightened than to never try at all.”
“Do it scared,” Mickey repeated, and again, I didn’t correct him for interrupting.
“Do it scared,” I repeated before I gave them another pause. I’d just dropped a pretty big concept on my class, and I didn’t want to move on from it too soon. I wanted them to sit in the moment and wrap their minds around it. Maybe most of them would forget it, but I liked to think that I’d planted a seed that would grow with them.
“Here’s what I’d like everyone to do. I’d like you to think about a time when you were scared but everything turned out okay, and I want you to write about it or draw me a picture of it. And the next time you’re scared, you can think of what you wrote or drew and know that despite how frightening some things can be, you can come out the other side just fine. Some side conversation is fine, but keep it to quiet-time voices, please.”
They did exactly that, and I returned my chair to my desk so I could figure out when to finish our lesson. We still had a bit of time post-afternoon recess, but honestly, I usually liked to spend that time with more hands-on or creative things, becauseman,the kids’ concentrations were often completely shot at that point.
At least I wasn’t on recess duty, so I could figure it out once my class was outside. I made sure to line them up right on time, telling the kids to place their composition notebooks in the intake box on my desk for me to look at overnight. Being ateacher was often a grueling experience, so I was grateful for the small breaks that came with it.
As everyone filed outside after one of the teachers’ aides came to chaperone them, Benny broke away and came to my desk. I was about to tell him he needed to stick with the rest of the class, but the look on his face stopped me. He was always a relatively serious kid, but this time, his expression was much more intense.
“I’m not tired because I’m growing.”
“You are growing, Benny. I know it might not feel like it, but?—”
“No, Miss Fischbacher, I’m not tiredbecauseI’m growing, I’m tired because I keep having nightmares.Badnightmares. You knew so much about being scared. Do you know what to do about nightmares?”
Oh, dear.
I was touched, I really was. I wanted my lessons to go beyond the classroom, and Benny asking me for help with possible night terrors was proof that I was doing so.
“Well, it’s different for everyone, but there’s lots of things you can do. If you have a plushie that really comforts you, you can cuddle with that. Or a pet. You can try reading a calming book—even a comic book if you like those. You can ask a grownup to tell you a story or watch a happy show. Anything that can take your mind off it. Don’t be discouraged if it takes you a little bit to find what works for you, it’ll be worth it.”
An uncertain smile spread across his face, and he gave me a resolute nod. “Okay, I’ll try those.”
“Sounds like a plan. Now, how about I walk you to recess?”
“I’d like that, ma’am.”
TWO
BEN
What Lurks Within
Blood.
Coating my hands like scarlet condemnation, dripping onto my feet into a puddle.
“Dad!”
I knew the sound of my boy’s voice better than my own, and I jerked my head away from my drenched palms to see Ben and Veronica on a rickety raft, reaching out for me, a puddle of blood between us.
“Junior!” I called back, taking a step forward. Suddenly, the floor dropped out from under me, and I was plunged into the warm blood.
No! No! I wasn’t going to let myself be separated from my kids. I fought my way to the surface as fast as I could, wiping the red out of my vision.
But try as I might, everything was still crimson. Still permanently stained by that inescapable blood.
Fine, whatever. I could live with that. Giving up on trying to fully see, I spotted the blurry outline of the raft and furiously swam towards it. Because I was never going to be separated from my family.
