“Eight. Excellent. Now, just let it sit there for seven seconds. Let it be an anchor for you. You’re safe. You’re in your car with me, and everything is okay. One, two…”
Again, I followed her instructions. And again, I was able to get farther from everything trying to devour me.
“Seven. There you are. I can feel your heart slowing down. Now, let’s exhale for eight, shall we?”
We exhaled for eight.
“One more time?”
Yeah, I could do that. We did it again, then one more time. And then a fourth for good measure. By the last count, I was mostly back to normal, although I was still exceedingly embarrassed.
“I’m sorry,” I croaked. That was all I could say, because what else would be a good segue from the stunt I had just pulled?
It had been at least six months since I’d allowed anyone to see me have a panic attack, and even then it was only Natalie. I certainly hadn’t let my ex-beta and the gang he betrayed me for see me so vulnerable, and I hadn’t had panic attacks before the massacre. So, the fact that a woman I barely knew—a woman I was taking out to dinner—was the first to see me in such condition was throwing me through yet another loop.
I missed when my life was less complicated. I missed when I didn’t have such a gaping wound in my chest that followed me wherever I went and affected all parts of my life. I wished I could go back and be the man I was before, but unfortunately, time and trauma did not work that way. They flowed in one direction, and there was no escaping from their relentless march. Once the toothpaste was out of the tube, it was impossible to scoop it back in. Sure, it was still toothpaste, but it would have to be put in another container, and its shape and consistency would never quite be the same.
“Hey, remember what I said. No apology needed. These things can happen to anyone.”
But they weren’t supposed to happen tome. Before the massacre, I had been a successful and well-known alpha. I’d negotiated an ease of tension with a couple of other packs along our border, and I’d battled the heads of a couple of other communities that had butted heads with our own. Nothing as dramatic as a shifter war, but there had been a bear clan who insisted we were infringing on their ancestral lands, as well as drama with Natalie’s herd when her sister had married into our pack.
“I…”
“It’s okay, you don’t have to say anything right now. Is there any music you like to listen to? Maybe we can listen to a song, then you can decide where we go from there.”
“Where we go from there?” I repeated dully, not quite putting two and two together.
“Yes. I understand if you want to go home, and I won’t take it personally at all. But if you feel ready for it and would like some food, I’m still more than happy to go to dinner with you.”
Surely, I had to be hallucinating. There was no way she would want to continue the night with me after I’d made a total fool of myself.
“You’d want to do that?”
“Only if you want to.” A strange expression must have crossed my face because she continued. “I’m not being a martyr. I know you just had an upsetting experience. When my mother got really sick, my brother started getting debilitating panic attacks. And then, when I got sick, his panic attacks became borderline unmanageable. Thankfully, he got help, and he’s now on a medicine regimen that works for him, but believe me when I say I have a lot of experience with these kinds of situations.”
She really was too good to be true. Here she was, stuck in a strange man’s car, only recently out of the hospital, and she was still so concerned and understanding. God, I was grateful someone like her was leading my son’s education.
“If you’re done for the night, I completely support that. Maybe we can try again another time. And if you’ve changed your mind about the entire thing, I’ll understand.
“But, if you’d like to continue on with our date, I’m perfectly fine with that and would be happy to. Everyone reacts differently to such things, and often the same person can have completely unique reactions from past panic attacks. The ball’s in your court, but trust me, no matter what you choose, I’ll be okay.”
I couldn’t believe it. I made such a mess of things, and yet she was acting like I’d gotten a parking ticket. Her level of empathy seemed almost supernatural, but I was intensely grateful for it.
So, if it was up to me, that left the question: whatdidI want?
I was so emotionally strung out, it was hard to think. A significant chunk of me wanted to go home and stand under the hot shower until I couldn’t feel anything anymore. Another chunk of me was still wallowing in shame because of Giselle’s kind words. Yet another part of me, because two certainly weren’t enough, was whispering that I deserved everything that had happened because I had abandoned the memory of my wife. How dared I move on?
Despite that intense chorus of negativity, there was something bright and shiny inside my chest. Something that felt a lot like hope and echoed within my brain in honeyed refrains.
Go on the date.
And despite all the odds, despite what was probably wise, I swallowed the saliva pooling in my mouth and found my words again.
“I’d still like to go to dinner, if you’re up for it.”
“I’d love that.”
Huh, maybe it really could be that easy.
