“Simon, are you here?” I projected out into my room, using my breath support like I would if I were calming down an unruly class firmly but not aggressively. I felt a spike of pride when my voice carried. Looked like I hadn’t lost it.
Hell yeah.
A door opened across the hall. Grabbing the two options I was stuck on, I walked out of the closet feeling like a less glamorous Vanna White.
“What should I wear for my date tonight?” My arms shook slightly as I held them up. God, I really missed feeling somewhat strong. I needed to get my weight back up so I could try working out again.
Insecurity lanced through me as my brother looked at one dress, then the other. Many people struggled with their weight and would find my constant troubles with putting on the pounds a bit ridiculous. And I got it, I did. There was a systematic sort of hate towards plus-sized people that I would never experience.
But Ialsoknew what it was like to fight my body, to feel wrong in my own skin. For food to be more of an enemy and stressor than a comfort. It sucked balls, to be frank, and wrecked my self-esteem.
“The purple one,” my brother said, reaching out and gently rustling the fabric. “It’s kind of dreamy. Almost a little fantasy-like.”
“You don’t think it’s too OTT?”
“OTT?”
“Over the top,” I explained. Even though he was an adult at twenty-five, I still found him utterly adorable. He was a hotel manager and dealing with an absolute nightmare now that his chain had been bought out by a bigger one and the new duty manager was trying to prove themselves by being a hard-ass. Yet, somehow, he was still a daydreamer. I wished it was more viable for him to live a life where he could pursue his artistic hobbies full-time, but unfortunately, money ruled the world, and he had to make sure he could survive before he could indulge that side of him. But he never let the grind crush him. He never seemed to forget whole chunks of himself like I had.
Maybe there was actually quite a bit I could learn from my younger siblings.
“Nah. Times are stressful, ya know? Everyone seems to be struggling or recovering. That black dress is nice, but it’s so… I dunno, current. This purple one, it kind of feels like a time lost. When the simple things were more appreciated and everything wasn’t about the freshest trend.”
“All that from a purple dress, huh?”
“Well, technically I think you’d call it alavender dress,but yes. You think I grew up with you without learning a little bit about fashion?”
“Ha! Fair enough.” Long ago, I’d had faint dreams about being a fashion designer, but early on in my teens, I’d figuredout I’d wanted to go into the education system and hadn’t looked back. “Thank you, Simon.”
“No probs, dorkus.” He winked at me. “You know you’re gonna knock him dead, right?”
I blushed even as love for my brother threatened to burst out of my chest. I had met a lot of broken people from broken families in my life, so I would always be grateful for the amazing one I’d been handed. It easily could have gone the other way with the health complications that had rocked us.
“I hope so.”
“I know so.”
The moment was a little too intense, a little too raw, so he shot me some finger guns. We both laughed. Goodness, I loved him so much. We’d been through a whole lot together, and I hoped the rest of our journey would be a little easier.
With my dress set aside, I picked out my accessories, stockings, and shoes, then decided what wig to wear. He’d seen me as a redhead and as my half-bald self. Maybe a pale blonde. Not quite icy, but definitely around a six-one-three. Normally, that shade tended to wash pale people like me out, but with the soft purple of the dress, it would all combine to make me look a bit ethereal.
At least, that was the hope. Some sort of cross between a fifties housewife and a fairy. That was in this season, right?
Chuckling, I began my makeup routine, my final look forming in my head. Technically, I could wait at least another hour and still be ready early, but I wanted to take my time. That way, if I messed anything up because of a hand tremor, I wouldn’t have to worry about it.
It was nice falling into that rhythm, getting to do myself up a bit more than I did for my class. I really enjoyed the rare occasion that I got to play around with makeup.
I guess I’d kind of forgotten about that too. How many pieces of me had I left littered behind. And for what? It wasn’t like the school demanded I give up all other aspects of my life. And it wasn’t like I was so broke that I didn’t have enough food to eat or was worried about losing my home. I’d lost myself, and I hadn’t even really been aware it was happening.
Huh.
This date was giving me a whole lot to think about. At least I was getting all the mind-spinning donebeforewe went to dinner, rather than getting locked into a thought spiral over a delicious tiramisu.
God, I hoped wherever we were going had tiramisu.
I could have asked Ben what restaurant we were going to, but I wanted it to be a surprise. If I knew ahead of time, I’d look up the menu online and overanalyze it, then get in my own head about what to order. It would be much more fun to be in the moment.
I was going to try to do more of that going forward.
