“What?” I sounded far more offended than I had any right to be.
“Don’twhatme! You saw how not having treatment made Mom really sick. And you know what happened when she didn’t take things seriously and pushed herself too hard. You have the advantage of a much earlier diagnosis and tons more medical technology that wasn’t available to her. Don’t you think it’s disrespectful to the sacrifices she made for us by making the exact same mistakes?”
I wanted to say something funny to play it off—after all, humor was an excellent coping mechanism. But I couldn’t. Perhaps because they had hit far closer to home than I had expected.
Perhaps because it felt like they just might be right.
“I didn’t mean to.”
I really didn’t. I’d gotten so caught up in things I hadn’t realized how much I was neglecting my health. I hated the road my mother had had to walk down, and I was infinitely grateful that mine was so much less fraught, so I didn’t want to seem ungrateful for the immense advantages I had.
Ugh.
“I’ve made a mess of things, haven’t I?”
Something in my voice must have conveyed how miserable I felt, because suddenly Nox was up on their feet and pulling me into a hug.
“Hey, it’s gonna be okay. Just the fact that you’re sitting here, laughing and eating with me, means you didn’t let it get that bad. You just gotta keep working on it, okay? And I meanreallywork on it.”
“I know, I know.” Even though I was trying to keep my voice steady, all the willpower in the world couldn’t stop it from hitching. “I’m sorry.”
God, I was really letting people down. Ihadto be better. I couldn’t afford to let down my class, my family, and myself.
I just wished I wasn’t so damnsick.I was sick of being sick! Sickness sick. Was that a thing?
“Hey, hey, no apologies. Just promise to do better for yourself next time.”
“I promise.”
“There we go. Now, how about I get your hair up into something to protect it from these awful pillows? They totally wrecked your ’do the last time.”
“You act like there’s something there to braid,” I grumbled, thinking back to the innocuous question that had sent me spiraling yesterday morning.
“Pish-posh. You act like you’re bald.”
“Sometimes it feels like I am.”
“Sis, I say this with all the love in my heart, but you gotta stop being such a bitch to yourself.”
“Pardon?” I blinked at Nox. Not because I was horrified with their cursing or anything, but because I wasn’t used to them talking to me that way.
“You heard me. You see yourself through such an awful lens sometimes. Like, if I had a best friend who talked to me how you talk to yourself, you’d go after them with a baseball bat.”
“But—”
“No buts. I know I’m the youngest and therefore you and Simon think you know everything, but I’m being real with you right now. You gotta cut yourself some slack. You’re an amazing teacher who’s really making a difference in kids’ lives. You’re a grown woman supporting herself and her family in an economic crisis. You’re disabled, and you’re drop-dead gorgeous!
“Yes, you have flaws. We all do. And no, you don’t look like an airbrushed movie star, but none of us do—not even the movie stars. So please, just… be a little nicer to yourself, okay? That’s my big sis you’re bullying.”
I liked to think that I had a good head on my shoulders, but hearing my sibling passionately defend me from myself made me feel both so incredibly loved and also extremely ashamed.
Had I really turned into one of those high-school mean girls, but only to myself? Howlamewas that? I knew self-sabotage was a thing, but still… I had enough obstacles without having to add anymore, didn’t I?
“I’ll keep that in mind,” I said before taking a deep breath. “So, about my hair?”
“Yeah, yeah, scoot forward and let me work my magic.”
I scooched up in my hospital bed and let Nox settle in behind me. They pulled a wet-dry hairbrush and some bobby pins from their bag.
