“Yeah, Daddy, I missed her.”
I missed her too.
The realization startled me, because I was surprised there was room for anything other than anguish within my chest. I was being torn in two directions. The pain, the trauma, the memoriesall wanted me to rot in what my failure had caused, to never move on, to never live a full life. But my children, my darling children, needed me to live. And for the first time, I really wanted to. I had things I was looking forward to. Dreams that didn’t just revolve around milestones in Benny’s and Veronica’s lives.
I thought I had made the choice that night Giselle and I had shared together, bodies entangled like young lovers. I didn’t expect my trauma to rebound ten times worse.
“We can talk later,” Giselle said, her voice turning to honey. Her hand alighted on my shoulder, and my wolf wanted nothing more than to rub his head against the touch. “For now, how about you go take that shower?”
I hadn’t been able to bring myself to bathe since the beginning of the month, but with Giselle and Benny both looking at me with such hope and trepidation in their eyes, I finally found the wherewithal to try it.
“Yeah. Shower.”
Not exactly Shakespeare, but it got the point across, and I headed back upstairs to at least try recovering my hygiene just a bit.
I was in a bit of a daze as I ascended the stairs, shucked off my sweat-soaked clothes, and got under the spray of the shower. It was as hot as I could make it, and although I first entered begrudgingly, it rapidly became a physical revelation.
While a hot shower couldn’t fix all my problems, it definitely helped. I stood there for what felt like an eternity, letting the water wash away the top layer of filth and thaw the frigid iciness in my chest.
Eventually, the logical part of my brain decided to make a peep, demanding that I wash myself before the water ran cold. I lathered myself up, scrubbing my skin hard enough to make it feel pinkish and new.
I went from dreading a shower to not wanting to leave, and I might have stayed in there until every single ounce of molten liquid was used up, but eventually the delicious aromas filling the air got the better of my stomach, and I realized just how fucking hungry I was.
I hadn’t wanted to eat before because not only was I too exhausted to do so, but because the pain of an empty stomach felt like an appropriate punishment for surviving. But I could suffer for eternity and it wouldn’t be enough.
It could never be enough.
I went downstairs dressed in loose-fitting sweatpants and an old, worn pajama shirt, but at least both were clean. God, I must have smelled awful before.
“Here you are!” Giselle said, cheerfully handing me a plate loaded with tater tots, bacon, sausage, English muffins with jam and cream cheese, and four eggs. “There’s more on the stove if you like, but only so much would fit on a plate, you know?”
She put a much more reasonable serving of food in front of Benny, before picking Veronica up and getting her situated in her highchair.
Truth be told, my daughter was getting to the age and developmental skills where she could transition to a booster seat, but the thought made my head spin. How had so much time passed and yet none at all? Sometimes it felt like the massacre was only a month ago, and it took looking at how much my kids had grown to realize we were approaching two years.
Soon, we were all sitting and eating. Giselle fed Veronica between bites, and for a moment, I pretended I could have a happy life. A normal life. But any time I started to believe it a little too much, I heard the cries of my pack again, always beckoning me towards what I couldn’t escape.
At first, I was methodical with each bite, not tasting anything but ash, but after my belly began to warm and my body realized it was getting calories, I began to notice the delicious tastes.
Of course Giselle was a fantastic cook.
I didn’t deserve her.
The meal ended far too soon, even with me gorging myself. I sat there, staring at my empty plate, before Giselle began to load the plates into the dishwasher.
I should be doing that—after all, she had cooked—but I was locked in place.
“All right, Benny, you get dressed, and I’ll get Veronica’s shoes on since Natalie got her all dolled up, then we’ll head out.”
“Okay!”
Giselle turned to my daughter, all smiles, like I wasn’t decomposing right in front of her. “Hey there, little missy, let’s wipe that face of yours, shall we?”
Veronica cooed and cheered, clapping her hands together. My daughter’s joy shone like the sun.
“Where are you going?” I managed to ask after clearing my throat.
She pointed to something over my shoulder and I followed her finger to see two giant vases of flowers sitting on the center of the dining room table. “We’re going to visit their mothers’ graves and pay their respects since the anniversary of things is approaching. You’re welcome to come, but you don’t have to.”
