Ellis’ father, Ludlow, slowly looks around, his suit dwarfing him as his head stretches up like a giant tortoise exposing a long, thin neck of saggy, blotchy skin.
And he reaches down into his lap and tries to unfasten his slacks.
Horrified and yet unable to look away, my mother and I barely remember to stand when the “Wedding March” starts playing. As we turn to watch Stella’s entrance I see that Ellis has finally noticed his father’s nearly managed to get his pants open. He clears his throat, getting the attention of the nurse and nodding toward his father.
The nurse stoops in a futile attempt to draw as little attention as possible to himself as he hurries over to Ludlow, bats the man’s hands away from his pants, and refastens them.
And actuallyleavesthe mansittingthere, alone! Stella and Dad are beginning their walk down the aisle as the male nurse practically commando crawls back to the side, where he was standing.
Mom’s eyes are wide as she looks up at me with a very clearDid you just see what the hell I just saw?question in her expression.
I gently nudge Mom to focus on Stella’s approach or I know we will never hear the fricking end of it.
For her part, Stella wears a beaming smile and if you didn’t know what a conniving, scheming bitch she was you’d never think it was an act.
Ludlow looks around, apparently realizing everyone’s turned and watching something. He slowly pivots his body the other way, craning his neck, and spots Stella when she’s about three quarters of the way down the aisle. His eyes narrow, following her progress, until she’s just a step or two away from him.
“Who the fuck is she?” he loudly asks, drawing a few gasps from people.
Stella’s eyes widen, as do Ellis’.
The male nurse hurries over and I’m thinkingsurelyhe’ll wheel him out now.
Except…he doesn’t.
The male nurse squats in front of Ludlow and desperately whispers to him but the man obviously isn’t as dotty as everyone thinks he is. He’s having absolutely none of it.
“No, I want to know who thefuckshe is,” Ludlow loudly says before wagging a shaky finger at Ellis. “I told you no more weddings or I’d cut you out of my will. The last couple of cunts bled you dry, dumbass.”
Stella’s now radiating cold fury as Dad escorts her up the riser steps toward Ellis. The minister’s standing there, wide-eyed and frozen in unmistakable shock as murmurs from the other attendees flow around us. The maid of honor and best man exchange horrified looks, helpless to stop this train wreck that they will forever be linked to.
Mom’s got a death grip on my arm now and I realize her trembling and the soft noises she’s making are her desperately trying not to laugh.
I don’t dare look around to find Leo or Jordan because it’s taking every ounce of self-control I have not to lose it and start laughing, too. If I lose it, Mom probably will, too.
If Mom breaks first…then I’m a goner.
Everything’s made infinitely worse when Dad kisses Stella on the cheek and turns to make his way down to his seat because he’s about one breath away from cracking up.
Oh, fuck!
This is both so much worse and infinitely more glorious than anything I ever could have hoped for. The best part?
It’s caused by Ellis’ father.
I spot Stella’s white knuckles and dragon-like grip on Ellis’ wrist as she leans in and whispers something to him. I can’t hear what but it’s likely along the lines of,“Get him the fuck out of here now.”
Ellis looks over his shoulder, clears his throat again, and this head nod to the nurse is an obvious instruction to roll the man out.
Ludlow’s meds must be wearing off because he starts to argue with the nurse, fighting him not to take the brakes off, demanding to remain and demanding the wedding be stopped. Even reaching out and grabbing the nurse’s crotch and squeezing with surprising strength because the man goes down like a sack of wet cement, moaning as he hits the floor and curls into a fetal position.
Then I hear Casey-Marie’s bray of laughter from somewhere off to our side of the space and it’s like a dam breaks.
No, this isn’t funny—but itishysterical, and now everyone including me and my parents are laughing.
I mean, tears-in-my-eyes laughter. I couldn’t hold it back if I tried at this point.
I look over, catch my lead agent’s eye, and discreetly point at Ludlow and his downed nurse. My lead agent sends three other agents over, two to wrestle with the increasingly agitated and profanely screaming man and get him wheeled out, and one to get the poor nurse on his feet and help him out.
