That’s what sustains me during the darkest moments, that I am not stuck in this job for the rest of my life.
Thank god.
Because I don’t think I’m lucky enough that Leo and Jordan, even with their irrational love and loyalty, would put up with this for the rest of my life.
CHAPTERFIFTEEN
THEN
When Jordan returnsI resume making my rounds of the ballroom for another thirty minutes or so before he once again positions me where I can take a break from talking to people with Casey-Marie stationed at my other side.
Fortunately, at this ball it’s mostly Democrats and their plus-ones, lawmakers and important donors as well as the few staff lucky enough to snag a ticket from their bosses.
Yes, I reached across the aisle plenty of times while I served in the House but tonight I’d rather not have the additional mental stress of trying to guess what ulterior motives a GOP lawmaker has by schmoozing with me. Not that the Dems won’t have ulterior motives of their own but theirs more frequently align with my own.
Throughout all of this I’m desperately hoping Leo arrives soon. I need him here even if he can’t stand with his arm around me.
Correction—I won’tletLeo stand with me like that. Leo definitely would want me to.
And I should do just that. I should publicly claim him and draw him out of the shadows to my side. After all I won the election. What the hell am I so scared of? Truly?
Yet every time I think about Leo patiently waiting for me all these years familiar guilt pecks at me. Because I wouldn’t be here now without Jordan, either. It doesn’t feel fair to publicly claim one while disavowing an intimate relationship with the other. Coming out about Leo would also mean he and Jordan couldn’t publicly go out together anymore. It would deprive them of their anonymity and privacy and some semblance of normalcy, and why should they suffer because of their love for me?
That’s not fair to them.
Fuckingfear. I’ve let it rule my life and Leo and Jordan are paying the highest toll.
Because they love me.
I must do better by them. Maybe it’d be easier if Leo wasn’t okay with this. If he had his fill of waiting.
If he forced me to come out.
Except he’ll never force me to do that. There are lots of things Leo has and will “force” me to do, as long as he’s certain it’s what I want.
Him forcing me to come out isn’t one of those things. There’s also the point that, understandably, he wants me to come out becauseIwant to, not because I’m forced to.
That’s a topic we’ve discussed and Jordan’s tried working through with me because he’s always seen things from Leo’s point of view. Which is something I wasn’t capable of fully comprehending before.
Mostly because my limited time with Leo is rarely spent having deep discussions. That, and I think I’ve already established I don’t exactly have a narcissistic enough outlook on life to assume I’m worthy of their faith.
Jordan finally helped me understand why Leo held back, why he wouldn’t give me an ultimatum. Or why he didn’t order me to get together with Jordan from the get-go. And Igetit.
I mean,nowI get it.
Jordan’s declaration that he will force me to marry Leo if I don’t de-ass my head by the time I leave office doesn’t terrify me nearly as much as it should, I suppose. I’ve always recognized that Leo manages me to a certain extent. In a loving way, but sometimes he tries to keep things from me in his attempts to make my life easier. Having Jordan confirm what Leo has told me helps a lot.
Fortunately for me, Leo soon arrives and spares me from delving too deeply into my thoughts. I spot him the moment he enters the ballroom, that fifth sense about his presence kicking in.
Or, maybe it’s because I watched the main doorway of whatever venue we were in ever since the first ball, even while talking to others and accepting their well wishes and avoiding any dancing, all while desperately anticipating Leo’s arrival.
As Leo’s gaze quickly sweeps the room it lands on me and he gives me a little smile and a head tip even as he says hello to some friends of his on my detail.
Unfortunately, I’m unable to just waltz over to Leo, grab him, and beg him to dance with me. When I turn I spot Jordan also watching Leo, before Jordan’s gaze swivels and meets mine.
And then Jordan’s gaze narrows, appraising.
Ohhhh, this cannotbe good.
