And if I scream because of play or sex, they’ll assume it’s due to a nightmare and not…well, the other option.
Although logically I know they understand that Leo and Jordan both are more than just my friends or coworkers. My detail looks the other way about all of that to protect my privacy because that’s part of their job.
When I was vice president my detail wasn’t stationed inside my residence at night and my bedroom was on the second floor. That gave me an extra degree of privacy. Now, there are usually agents stationed out in the main hallway in the residence unless I’ve specifically ordered them to clear out and retreat to the entrances. Easily within screaming distance.
Slowly, my brain fully re-engages as Jordan softly murmurs all the things to me he knows will soothe my soul. He’s fourteen years younger than me yet I’ve willingly turned myself over to him. The public thinks he’s nothing more than my best friend and “body man.”
That’s one term for it, I suppose. He takes care of my body, all right. Among other things.
He’s my Sir.
My keeper.
His love and loyalty are sometimes the only tethers I have to sanity on my darkest nights.
The only things keeping me from totally losing it and resigning on the worst of days.
The man I entrust most of my secrets to, including the darkest ones.
Especiallythe darkest ones.
Ten years ago, I simultaneously and secretly loved Jordan from afar while also feeling terrified he’d walk away and take Leo with him. Which is why I fought so hard for so long to keep him safely at arm’s length. I didn’t want to admit I’d lost my heart to him only to have him break it. I was already vulnerable enough loving Leo as hard as I did.
Now?
Honestly?
I cannot do this job without Jordan.
Literally.
I never want to lose Leo. Yet if I did, I now understand I could survive that, no matter how badly the loss would wound my heart and soul.
But Icannotlose Jordan. Not professionally, and damn sure not personally. I lost him once already. I’m not stupid enough to let him walk away again.
Fortunately, neither is Leo.
It terrified me the night I finally admitted to Jordan that I’d had him watched and followed by the Secret Service during those long months while he was in Tallahassee. To finally admit the full truth of my love for him.
To finally admit my need and weakness for him.
That I won’t ever let him walk away from me again. I can’t.
He’s my heart and soul. Losing him would destroy me.
Jordan eases me onto my back and stretches out alongside me, my head cradled against his shoulder. I’m taller by six inches, stockier, and more broad-shouldered. When he lies beside me like this, while he’s holding me and keeping me safe, I feel like he’s larger than me.
He’s definitely stronger than me, chasing away my demons for a while. Despite the differences in our life experiences, he’s already proven himself to be far stronger than I am in many ways. Like how he found the courage to escape his abusive parents when he was a child and freed himself so he could live authentically.
Something I’ve yet to accomplish.
We’re rapidly approaching my second Christmas as POTUS and Jordan knows how stressful this time of year is for me. I’ll be expected to hold photo ops with my family, including my stupid brother-in-law, who I absolutely cannotstand.
It’ll be mentioned more than once, to my face as well as in the media, about how I don’t have a First Lady.
How I’m Washington DC’s most “eligible” bachelor.
My brother-in-law will likely be one of the more vocal people “joking” about that.
