Times two.
Thank god he never gave up on me.
Thank god he didn’t take me up on my offers for him to date others before Jordan.
Thank god.
When I’m truly honest I must admit I don’t believe in “god.” Not since I was a kid. If there are any higher powers in the universe then I’m eternally grateful to them for the confluence of luck or fate or sheer, stupid coincidence that led me to this moment, in this bed, with these two men. Even through the pain, even through the grief.
Even through the madness.
When I catch his eye I drop him a wink.
Leo winks back and blows me a kiss. It lifts my mood even if it doesn’t alleviate my exhaustion.
When we finish eating Leo orders Jordan to stay put and I help him move our dishes out to the kitchen.
“Thank you, El,” he says once we’re out there.
“Of course. Not going to let you do this alone.”
“I meant for feeding Jordan.”
“Oh, yeah. Sure.”
“Deep breaths. Home stretch.” Leo hands me a rinsed plate to put into the dishwasher. “You’re almost done.”
“That’s what I keep telling myself.” Leo hands me a plate. “I didn’t fuck up his life, did I?” I ask.
Leo scowls. “No, of course not.”
“He’s missed out on so much.”
“I’m sure he would argue with you about that if we were to let him argue tonight.” He hands me another plate. “To be clear, we’re not letting him argue. He’s running himself ragged and won’t slow down. He needs tonight as much as you do, I think.”
“I hope he doesn’t wake up resenting me one morning. For all of this. Including before I brought him back.”
Leo turns and leans against the sink, looking down at me with a lopsided smirk curving his lips. “You take emotional masochism to a new level, buddy.”
“I worry. Is that so wrong?”
He pokes me in the shoulder. “You’ve grown. Evolved. Matured.” His smirk fades. “Survived. We all have.” He returns to rinsing things and passing them to me. “He’ll only resent this if you don’t keep making forward progress.”
“Do you resent me?” I quietly ask. “Honestly?”
He turns again. “Do I resent you and what we have now? Absolutely not. I’d be lying if I said there weren’t pockets of anger and resentment at times. When it felt like I was fighting harder for you than you were, and I considered saying ‘fuck it’ and leaving with Jordan. But I donotregret or resent where we are now. Or where we’re going.”
He reaches over with his left hand and places it over my left hand, lacing fingers with me, our wedding bands next to each other. “The terrified, closeted guy I fell in love with at the bar that night is the guy I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. He still is. Jordan’s our bonus, and we’re his. The Universe is leveling the scales because of the things we’ve all lost. I firmly believe that.”
I squeeze his hand and bring it up to my lips, kissing it. “Thank you for having patience with me all these years.”
“Just think of all the patience you’re going to need with me in the future.” He grins and waggles his eyebrows at me. “For all the tortures yet to come.”
“Oooh, baby. That’s hot.”
Leo roars with laughter and I now know that’s going to be one of my daily goals—to make sure I make him laugh like that at least once a day.
Him and Jordan both.
