Especially when, not even a month into Jordan’s tenure, Leo comes to me and asks me if I mind if he dates Jordan.
Begsme to tell him no.
And… Ican’ttell him no. Because I know I can’t let Jordan inside my defenses. Giving Jordan that kind of access to my heart would give him power over me even Leo doesn’t wield. The power to utterly destroy me personally and professionally.
The power to rip my soul out.
If I can’t allow myself to let Jordan close to me the least I can do is let Leo have him—rather, let Jordan have Leo—giving them a chance for happiness together while praying I haven’t misplaced my trust in my Master.
And that he hasn’t misplaced his trust in Jordan.
* * *
With Christmas rapidly approaching,over the next several weeks I fall more in love with Jordan during every contact we have. I know Leo’s greatest desire—he wants us to be a triad like Shae, Chris, and Kev.
I’m good with that, as long as it’s Jordan who’s our third.
Just one problem: How do you admit to someone you only met weeks ago that you’re desperately in love with them when you barelyknowthem? When you’re terrified to come out of the closet even for the irrationally loving and loyal guy who’s protectively cradled your heart in his hands for severalyears?
Are you sick of my whining yet? I mean, yeah, I get why.
Try living like this.
Doesn’t mean I can force myself to make a move. If I hadn’t been a dumbass and run for this office I’d have the privacy I need to find a good shrink and hash it out.
Now? That’ll have to wait.
With my newly elected status Secret Service arranges a few things for me to both make their job easier and allow me to engage in some semblance of normalcy. Like after-hours shopping trips for Christmas gifts where the press can’t tag along.
Yet I’m hyper-aware of how things can get leaked so I need to find a gift for Jordan that will appear mundane to everyone else but isn’t.
One concession I’ve agreed to with Leo is matching neckties.Matchies. It’s something we’ve done for years, a secret way to feel connected to him even when I can’t be with him. It’s a substitute for a collar. If I catch a glimpse of Leo during the workday, even better. Then he touches his tie, even if we aren’t matching that particular day, to let me know he’s thinking about me.
That he loves me.
Tonight I’m desperate to find the perfect set of neckties.
One for me, and the other for Jordan.
I’m certain Leo will believe I’m extending an olive branch. What terrifies me is they might see through me. Which is stupid, right? And Iknowthis.
After agonizing over it I eventually select a dark emerald green tie with little flecks of royal blue that will look okay on me but will set off the green in Jordan’s eyes and make them look even lighter.
I buy two. Matchies.
Gooseflesh ripples across my body as I think about him wearing this tie. About watching me, touching it, letting me know he’s thinking of me.
Well, a guy can dream, right?
I buy wrapping paper and a box for it. This wasn’t the only gift I purchased tonight so a simple unassuming necktie among all my purchases won’t cause a stir.
That’s the genius of Leo’s mind, that he considered all of this and created routines early on to help me cope. Secret rituals I can default to.
Something else I feel guilty about. That I’ve kept Leo boxed up for so long when he’d love to openly be with me. Yet he doesn’t push me to come out even though it’d make our lives easier if he’d do exactly that. Easier in the long run, that is.
I’m certain me coming out will unleash hell upon me personally, at least in the short-term.
You’d think I’d move past that fear, considering what I survived.
