Sometimes, I recall the feel of him throwing himself over us that horrible afternoon, taking the brunt of the blast’s shockwave with his body.
This man also killed Elsa, but that bitch deserved to die. If I’d been braver I would have done it myself.
Probably not nearly as elegantly and discreetly, either.
“We’re safe. That’s all I can or will say.”
He slowly nods, his gaze now fixed on my wedding band. “Areyouall right?”
There are multiple layers of subtext there.
I hold up my left hand. “I’m better than I’ve ever been in my life. No offense intended, either. Back then, I wasn’t ready. That was on me, not a statement about you.”
He slowly nods again. “Congratulations.”
“Thank you. I’m sorry I pushed you away but it looks like we all ended up where we needed to be.”
“I guess you’re right.” I sense there’s more, maybe even a lot more, so I wait him out.
It apparently takes him a moment to finally plan the line in his mind before quietly speaking it to me, his voice hoarse with emotion. “All I want—all I’veeverwanted—is to know that you’re safe, that you’re happy, and that you’re being well cared for. That you’re loved. Because you deserve to have all of that, Eddie. I need to know that.”
“I am, and I do have it.”
He takes a deep breath and I don’t miss how he blinks a few times before wiping at his eyes. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the truth about Owen and Susa before, when I saw you Berlin. I couldn’t tell you. I didn’t want to hurt you—I never wanted to hurt you.”
“I know. And you didn’t. Don’t feel guilty, Carter.Iwalked away fromyou. You didn’t leave me behind—I let you go. You in no way failed me. Ever. If anything, you were the only person I could count on back then, even if I wasn’t mature enough to process it at that time. So if that’s what you’re stressing about, it’s okay. We’re good. Honestly.”
He sits forward, elbows on his knees and his hands clasped together. “We’re going to be making a public announcement later today. Susa and I will, I mean. I wanted to talk to you first about it.”
“Why?”
“Because I want you to hear it from me, in person. I feel I owe it to you.”
He doesn’t owe me anything, but Carter is a man of honor with his own ironclad code of ethics. I nod but don’t interrupt him.
“Susa’s pregnant. A little girl. We found out right before Christmas, but we kept it quiet because there were some minor complications early on we weren’t sure how would impact the baby.”
I sit with that for a moment and try to stay in touch with my feelings without shutting down.
For the first time in my life…I’m okay.
Reallyokay.
“Congratulations, and I sincerely mean that. I’m happy for you. Is the baby okay?”
He nods. “They think the first test results were contaminated somehow. Everything looks great now, and she’s healthy and growing right on schedule.”
“And Susa’s all right?”
“Yeah.”
I opt to tackle the other elephant and give Carter an opening. “I bet Owen’s happy.”
Finally, the ghost of a smile. “He is. He’s over the moon. He’s retired and a full-time dad now. I don’t think I could make him any happier if I tried.”
“I appreciate the heads-up, but you always wanted kids. I never did, not really. Especially afterher. I didn’t want to curse another child with my genes. I’m glad you’re happy, and I’m glad you have them. I’ve never wanted anything for you but happiness, Carter.”
I know that sad sigh of his. It’s haunted my dreams and memories for decades.
