I guess this is the real reason I chose to don jeans and sneakers this morning instead of defaulting to a suit. Because I could lie to myself and say I wanted to be comfortable driving. Deep inside, I knew I’d be stopping here.
The way I stopped and cried that last day, wondering if I’d ever see the falls again.
If I’d ever see him.
Thinking that if he really loved me, he’d understand. That he’d follow me, eventually. That when he’d come visit me, he’d let me show him how good things could be for us inmyworld after having lived in his for several years.
That I could win him over. That my world could becomeourworld.
That I could take care of us and he could literally do anything else he wanted with his accounting degree besides being tied to a small local hardware store that would likely barely provide for his future retirement.
Three years away proved me so, so wrong.
I’m wiser now. I know he never would’ve been happy living in my world, and it was selfish of me to think I could force him to.
Even more ironic, I realized how wrong I’d been to think I could ever find happiness in that world without him at my side. How blind I was to reality.
How unhappy I currently am in my life, and have been for years.
How the last time I honestly felt happy was when I was living inhisworld.
Now I’m stuck with my feet firmly planted in New York City and Miami, while my heart and soul firmly refuse to budge from Maudlin Falls.
Not that I dare think he’ll give me another chance.
Not that I even think I’ve earned another chance.
I wouldn’t blame him if he doesn’t want to look at me, much less speak to me. Or worse, I’d deserve it if he’s moved on and found someone who’s truly deserving of him, who can be everything he really needs in a partner.
Something I should have been better at for him.
I’ve already decided that, should I be met with the last possibility, I’ll grit my teeth, smile, genuinely wish him well, and the ring currently stashed in my pocket will stay there. I’d love to see him smiling and happy.
That’s all I’ve ever wanted for him—happiness.
Even if I’m not the one giving it to him.
And even if the thought of that rips my heart out anew and completely stomps it into dust.
* * * *
I spend thirty minutes sitting next to the falls on my favorite rock—which is still here, thankfully.
While I sit there, I take the ring out and study it. I bought the matching wedding band set yesterday in Miami. I walk past a jewelry store on my way to the office from the parking garage. They caught my eye in the window, and I found myself walking in and buying them before I even realized what I was doing. It wasn’t even a conscious series of decisions, it was blind instinct that immediately calmed my soul and made me realize that I don’t belong in Miami if there’s still a home for me here.
That’s when I knew for certain that, when I came here, I wouldn’t be leaving. Not if he doesn’t send me away.
This ring’s his and the other’s in my wallet. If he turns me down, I’ll totally deserve it.
But if he gives me another chance, I’ll prove from the start I’m serious. That I mean it about choosing him over everything else. I should have married him years ago when he first brought it up instead of thinking I needed to meet some arbitrary income level for success first.
After taking videos and pictures to remember this precious place by, in case it’s the last time I ever see it again, I slowly make my way down the trail toward the parking area.
That’s when my infamous luck takes another turn and I trip, falling flat on my face. Fortunately, on a level section of trail.
Dang it.It figures I’d take a tumble. I wouldn’t be me if something didn’t go sideways.
After I pick myself up and dust myself off, I briefly panic when I can’t immediately locate the ring in my pocket. Then, with a rush of relief, I find where it had impaled itself on my tube of lip balm, avoiding my searching fingers for a moment.
