He did give me the empty urn.The smile on his face as he handed it over that day, with his back turned so no one else could see but me, told me everything I needed to know about my father.
He was a cruel, heartless man who even then I suspected killed my mother.I didn’t have what could be counted as confirmation until he made the veiled threat to me when I hesitated to run for office the first time.
I know in my heart Mom would have wanted me to move on and be happy, to not be weighed down by my father’s particularly dark soul, but it’s so damned difficult not to feel like that.I’ll never know exactly how he killed her, or who helped him.He wouldn’t have done it all on his own.He would have needed help with the actual mechanics of the crime, as well as assistance covering it up.
He had so many county officials wrapped up in his fists back then that even had I asked for an investigation when she died, no one would have listened to me.He would have painted me as out of my mind with grief.
This many years later?
Impossible.I’ll never have…vengeance for her.
Closure.
How ironic and sadly poetic is that?
I stand and walk over to the French doors looking out on the backyard, where I lift my glass.“For you, Mom.Living well is the best revenge, right?I guess this is my revenge on him, such as it was.”
I take a gulp of the liquor, which burns going down less than the regular flavor, and has a light, crisp taste to it.“I hope you can see me, and see that I’m not miserable anymore.I mean, not as miserable.”
I take another long swallow.“Please watch over me, Mom.I miss you like hell and wish you were here to meet them.I didn’t know a lot growing up.Looking back, I see the shit you put up with to keep me safe, because you loved me.And I love you.”
Already, I’m thinking about starting some sort of scholarship fund or charity organization in her name.I haven’t decided what yet.I want her good works to be what lives on, her name, her memory.
Not his.
All I want from him is his money.
The rest can burn in Hell with him, for all I give a shit.
