I mean, I know I did the wrong thing by not telling Daniel before reconnecting with Ward, but…you know what I mean.
Maybe I shouldn’t have dumped that batch of sewage on Ward.
Ward and I are supposed to meet in the hideaway at three and now I don’t even know if he’ll show up.
I’d understand if he doesn’t.
The Master hates myself for unloading on him, now that I know some of what he went through.
Then the Master hates myself even more for giving in to my weakness and fucking Ward, because of what it will likely do to Daniel and my marriage if I don’t handle this delicately.
I’m…irredeemable. Right?
A sinner married to an absolutely devout saint who doesn’t deserve to be made into a martyr at the expense of me having everything because I’m…greedy.
I punished myself with the treadmill, because I couldn’t stop thinking about Ward and how we talked for another two hours last night, some of it angry words from me to vent before apologizing, making love again, and then finally leaving the hideaway.
I’m running late now because I went shopping and stocked up on a few things that are safely locked in my desk in the hideaway.
Mainly lube, condoms, wipes, and other items we’ll need.
The irony is I’m not worried about Daniel finding those things there. I’ll tell him—honestly—that I plan to use them forus.
But if I’m feelingthisguilty now, less than twenty-four hours since Ward returned to my life…
I’ll need to figure this shit out and fast.
If Ward shows this afternoon.
The only thing working in my favor is the growing controlled chaos ahead of the inauguration on the 20th. Daniel’s going to be busy as action kicks into high gear, with the House prepping a bunch of new legislation they can vote on and send to the Senate for them to rubberstamp and send to the Oval for the new president’s signature ASAP.
Even if every GOP senator refused to come in, we have more than enough of a majority to railroad everything through.
Not to mention there have been some promises made to the minority leadership in both chambers, that some of their pet pork projects will get funded if they’ll quietly roll over, show their bellies, and make a public show of unity and bipartisan cooperation.
Of course some of the stray far-right (or Teabaggers, as Daniel privately refers to them) will try to stomp their feet. At least it’ll give Ward a little cover, for now.
There will also be a full slate of social events that can act as the perfect cover for the two of us to “disappear” for blocks of time without raising any suspicions. Daniel will be busy with work and unable to keep tabs on me. If my late-night e-mail bombing of Ward’s inbox doesn’t scare him off, then I guess he’ll have to deal with his wife as best he can.
Today, the prayer meeting is being run by a House rep from Idaho. As I close my eyes when he starts to lead us in an opening prayer, I flinch when Daniel’s fingers find mine.
I wrap my hand around his and squeeze, my mind drifting and I’m not even paying attention to whatever the Utah guy is babbling.
Please, God, I know I’m an asshole, but don’t let me hurt my husband. We’ve both been through so much. I have to believe You brought Ward back to me for a higher purpose. Help me figure out how to juggle all of this until I can bring the three of us together. I know that’s selfish, but they love me, and I love them. I shouldn’t have to choose. I know others have successful poly triads. Why can’t we?
At the end of the prayer meeting, Daniel hangs back with me while the room clears, until we’re alone.
More guilt slams into me as I stare into his blue eyes. Blue eyes a different shade than Ward’s, but I can see their similarities clearly now.
I thought Daniel was so different than Ward, and he is, in some ways.
But in others, he’s every bit a wounded man who I immediately wanted to pull into my arms and protect from the world. In that way, they are devastatingly alike.
“Are you all right?” he whispers.
I nod. “Tired.”
“Why’d you get up so early?” It’s not unheard of for me to do what I did this morning, but I haven’t left bed early to work out like that in a while.
