I consider it a personal victory that I haven’t sent any e-mails from my secret account in over a year, even if there are dozens of drafts sitting there which will never be sent.
One day, maybe I’ll finally be strong enough to delete and purge them. For now, they’re like venting a safety valve from time to time, and I want them there so I can look back over them and gauge my own progress. I’ve gone from a guy who felt swallowed by darkness and grief to a man who’s happy and successful.
Do memories ping from time to time?
Yes, but there are days I don’t think about Ward at all. Rarely, I go a couple of days in a row before a random thought or memory pokes up its head like a damned toxic groundhog undermining my mental ground.
In those cases, I try to focus on Daniel and his love for me, because that’s what’s most important to me. Our marriage is sacred, a blessing.
A Heaven I never dreamed possible for me to reach after the Hell I walked through.
“Why are you awake so early?” Daniel grumbles before rolling over and draping an arm across my chest. We’re not working out this morning. Instead, we’re grabbing a quick breakfast together in the city before going our separate ways. This has become our routine and it’s a comfort to me. He knows this. “We don’t have to be up for an hour yet.”
I wrap my arm around his shoulders and nuzzle the top of his head instead of answering, hoping he’ll quickly drift back to sleep. I’ve always envied him that ability to fall asleep anywhere, in nearly any conditions, if we’re together. Meanwhile, I’ll lie there unable to shut my brain down no matter how exhausted I am.
Instead, he finally tips his head back. In the dim light I see his gaze focused on me. “You okay, Lee?”
This is as close as we ever come to true equals, when he steps into his caretaker mode because he’s genuinely worried about my physical, mental, or emotional health.
“First day,” I finally admit. “How’d you know I was awake?”
“You tensed up, and your breathing wasn’t nearly as quiet.”
“Sorry.”
He softly sighs and sits up so he can pull me into his arms. “I don’t want an apology. I want my guy to get a good night’s sleep.” I press my ear against his chest and close my eyes as I listen to his heartbeat in my ear.
Other than wearing me out with really great sex, or a long scene, this is the only thing that helps quiet my noisy brain.
Him.
His hand settles on the back of my head and he massages my scalp. “Maybe you shouldn’t think about running again, babe.”
“It’s too soon for that conversation,” I mumble against his flesh.
“No, I’m pretty sure it is soon enough, if you’re reacting like this only two years in. We talked about this. You ordered me to speak my mind if I thought this was taking a toll on you in bad ways. Here I am, speaking.”
“It’s just first-day jitters. You know how I get.” I flick my tongue across his flesh. “I’ll be okay later. Just don’t expect a lot of energy from me tonight.”
“Hmph.” Next thing I know, I’m on my back and he’s latched on to my left nipple, lightly clamping it between his teeth as he sucks.
Instantly, my cock hardens.
Who’s trained who, indeed.
Maybe I shouldn’t have taught him some jiu jitsu moves over the years. He doesn’t mind using them on me in situations like this.
Then again, I don’t mind him using them on me, either.
I grab him by the head, fully understanding his devious plan and willing to go along for the ride because I love him. This isn’t him topping from the bottom.
This is him being my husband and looking out for me.
The man who’s always in my corner. My biggest supporter, my strength.
My universe.
Keeping a grip on his hair, I shove him down to my cock and he immediately swallows me, nothing subtle or teasing about this. His goal is to pull all my focus onto him in this moment.
