Dad and Mom took the train down this morning and the plan in my head was for me and Ward to ride back with them this afternoon.
I hurry and find my parents. “I need to find Wa-Mase.” I almost slipped up, but until I can introduce him to them in person and tell them what’s going on, with Ward at my side, I’ll honor my word to him to keep our secret.
“Let’s get pictures first, honey,” Mom says. I do, quickly, feeling guilty that I’m now torn between them and my growing worry about Ward. They want to take me to lunch but I beg off and agree to meet up with them in a couple of hours. Or sooner, once I find Ward.
That sends me racing back to our apartment, my pulse frantically drumming in my chest with every step.
The elevator takes forever, it feels like, but then I hit our floor and bolt down the hallway, my hand trembling as I fit the key in the lock and shove the door open.
I know even before I look around that he’s…gone.
His things are gone.
I pull out my phone and try calling him again. I start to leave another voice mail but hang up when I see the piece of paper on the counter, with his handwriting.
A very brief note.
My hand trembles as I pick it up.
I’m sorry.
That’s all it says.
Staring at the paper, I call his voice mail. “Where are you? What’s going on? What does this note mean, Ward? I love you, and you cannot just walk away from me without talking to me. Please? Give me a chance to show you how much I love you and can take care of you!”
I sit on the couch and stare at pictures of us on our phone as I send him texts and blow up his voice mail until it’s full.
Part of me wants to think this is a horrible misunderstanding. That I’m missing something. That he’ll get in contact with me.
But then my dad calls me when they need to head toward the train station, and I feel something slowly swing shut inside me despite not wanting it to.
“Can you stop by on your way and help me with my bags?” I ask, struggling not to choke up. “I’ll catch that train with you.”
“Sure. What’s wrong? Did you find your roommate?”
I stare at the note. I can’t bear to throw it away, because it’s his handwriting. “He had something come up and a change of plans at the last minute.” I take a deep shuddering breath. “It’s fine.”
I close my eyes as tears squeeze free. While my heart doesn’t want to accept I’ll never see Ward again, my brain’s already five steps ahead, modifying my plans and glad I never told my parents about our relationship.
It means my mom won’t be hovering and worried about me and asking me how I am every fifteen minutes.
But the context of this situation is pretty fucking clear.
And after I get off the phone with my dad, I head to the bathroom to wash my face and make one last check in there to see if I forgot anything.
Then I puke my guts up and cry for ten minutes before forcing myself to pull it together and wash my face again. I have a life to live. If Ward doesn’t want to be a part of it after all… I can’t force him.
I send one last text for this afternoon, even though I suspect I’ll be texting and e-mailing him for a while.
Catching the train with my parents. If you change your mind, you’re welcomed to join me. I love you, and I hope you aren’t going to leave me hanging like this. Please tell me you still want me. I love you. Please don’t disappear from my life like a ghost. I promised I want only you, and you promised you’d only want me. Didn’t that mean anything to you?
My hands feel numb as I hitsendand then put my phone away.
When I realize I’m wearing one of the suits Ward bought for me, I quickly change into jeans, shoving my suit and cap and gown into one of my suitcases.
This isn’t how I imagined today would unfold. By now, I thought we’d be smiling and laughing and toasting our success with my parents.
Planning our life together.
