Chapter Twenty
Where Elliot’s kneeling and leaning against me, it gives me a moment to take a breath and get my bearings. I hold his forehead pressed against my abs so I can cradle his head in my hands and massage his scalp.
With his arms wrapped around my hips, his hands once again slide up under my blazer and press against my back. Like this, I can imagine there’s no impending campaign storm about to sweep us into its vortex.
For a little while, I can pretend this man and I are alone in the world.
That he is choosing me because hewantsme, not because I’m his best option or because he knows he’s going to need me.
“You really think I’m hot?” I ask.
He chuckles. “Yes, Sir,” he says. “You’re always dressed perfectly and lookdamnhot. I don’t understand what Leo sees in me when he’s got you.”
I tip his head back, so he has to look up at me. “I always thought you were the hot one.”
He scowls. “Seriously?”
“Seriously.” I run my hands through his hair. “Dude, you’re fuckinghot. You don’t realize that?”
He kind of shrugs, and that’s so perfectly Elliot. I’ve had contact with countless politicians and political wonks. One thing always struck me about Elliot, and that was his self-effacing, genuine nature. He never centers himself, not even when it’s politically wise to do so, or politically expedient.
Not even when he should be centering himself, or, at the very least, engaging in self-care.
I pat him on the head and step back, holding my hands out to him and wiggling my fingers.
He knows the drill. He takes my hands and rises. I back him against the padded bench at the end of his bed, where he sits after I move his suitcase. This way, he’s shorter and has to look up at me.
Starting with his blazer, I help him remove it and I set it aside. I’ll transfer his flag lapel pin in the morning onto whatever jacket I put on him then. It’s not just decoration, it’s got a tracker in it. Both he and President Samuels have one, so Secret Service always has their position. It’s not just a piece of statement jewelry.
Taking my time, his tie is next, followed by his shirt and undershirt.
I’m not going to undress just yet. I want him naked first. I don’t understand all the psychological underpinnings of why Leo did things the way he did, but I know they worked.
I have a perfect roadmap. All I have to do is follow it.
WWLD—What Would Leo Do?
With a quick squeeze of Elliot’s right shoulder as a silent command for him to stay, I circle the room and prepare it before I go any farther with him. I turn off the lights, except in the closet and the bathroom. I stage his walker near the end of the bed, because there will be a shower in our immediate future, and I make sure his shower chair is set up and ready. I also grab a towel, because I’ll need it for the next part.
For tonight, I plug my phone into its charger and play a Pandora channel I love, with some of my favorite artists, like Arctic Monkeys, Lizzo, Phillip Phillips, and others. I’m aware of Elliot watching me as I do this.
If he can tell what the items are that I removed from my pocket and set on his nightstand, next to his glasses, he doesn’t react.
When I return to him, I pause, studying his torso.
Fuck, he’s gorgeous. That’s never been in doubt.
I unfasten his belt and slacks before I drop to one knee and remove his right shoe and sock. Now, I’m glad Leo showed me this routine and made me pay attention, even if I slightly resented it at the time. This is an emotionally charged process for Elliot and always has been, having someoneelsesee him vulnerable like this.
The ironic thing is, he has no problem with being in shorts around people and them seeing Duck, or talking to people about it, or even indulging and encouraging countless questions from kids about it. Then, he never shows the slightest bit of self-consciousness.
But there’s something aboutthisparticular step—putting it on or taking it off in front of someone—that Elliot’s always acted self-conscious about. Leo admitted to me that he still isn’t sure exactlywhy. It’s something Elliot’s never been able to verbalize to Leo. It was always a frustration for Leo, too, that Elliot felt that distress around him, and he couldn’t find a way to ease Elliot’s mind about it.
Tied to Elliot’s injury is the belief, in Elliot’s mind, that he failed the men in his command by not ordering they turn around sooner. He feels his injury is one part karma, and one part justified payment for surviving in the first place when others died.
Of course, that’snotwhat it’s about, but keep in mind this is also a man still terrified and deep in the closet, so he doesn’t always have the healthiest views of himself or the world at large.
We’ll be working on that, too. Leo was always hesitant to push him too hard out of fear of pushing him away.
