Especially if bullshit like this gets out.
I shake the paper. “This is a joke, right? Tell me this is a joke.”
He puffs up. “We’ve worked really hard on those! They’re designed to highlight faults in the vice president’s opponents.”
“It’sbullshit.”
His face reddens. “My opinion is we are being too tentative, too conservative in our approach. We need to be aggressive, because the Republicans won’t hesitate to go negative. We need to expose his opponents in a way that builds the vice president’s gravitas.”
The doe-eyed wunderkind has crawled onto my very last nerve and started doing the Macarena. I give him a withering glare I learned from Kevin Markos. “If I want your opinion, I’ll overnight you via FedEx to a mall test group in Des Moines.”
He starts to laugh, until he realizes he’s the only one laughing. Everyone else apparently senses mymoodand stares at him withshut uplooks in their eyes.
But I’m not done. Not even close. “The vice president has a degree in economics, a Purple Heart, a military jacket full of service awards and commendations, spent three terms in the US House, years before that in state leadership, and has nearly seven years working in the White House, among other notations on his résumé. I think we’ve got the ‘gravitas’ well in hand, thank you very much.”
I reach over to my campaign laptop and tap into the batch of poll numbers I received last night, along with my notes. They display on the wall. “Did you evenlookat these?”
Doe Eyes’ face reddens. “Well, not yet. We’ve been busy working on this.”
“You don’t let poll numbers sit and get stale. What thehelliswrongwith you? You should’ve been up all night crunching these numbers!” I point at the wall. “Notice that nowhere in those responses are there any concerns about the vice president’s statesmanship, low confidence in his ability to keep citizens safe, or doubts about his intellectual fitness.” I turn on the staffer. “And were you planning on running your poll in New Hampshire?”
He doesn’t look nearly as certain of himself as he did only moments ago, which gives me way too much personal satisfaction. Maybe there’s more sadist in me than I realized.
“Um, y-yes, sir. One of the targeted areas.”
“You do realize New Hampshire takes an especially harsh view of push-polling, don’t you?”
“I—”
“As in we donotwant this campaign linked to the same kind of dirty tactics the GOP dark-money groups use to smear candidates.” My voice rises in anger and I smack the table, making everyone jump. “Comeon, this is Poli-Sci 101 bullshit, and I don’t even have a Poli-Sci degree! Are youseriouslytelling me you’ve wasted the better part of threedayson developingthis?”
I ball up the paper and shoot a three-pointer at the garbage can by the door. “We are almost one hundred days out from Iowa, and you’re bringing metwenty-year-old recycled garbage tactics?” Yes, I’m practically screaming those last few words.
His face reddens even more. “Sir, I—”
“Yeah,no.” I turn to the rest of them, my hands on my hips and all of them now wary and silent. “I’ll make this easy on you. Call Singh and Roscoe. Tell them we want a five-question sampling from registered and potential voters, nationwide, including demographics info.”
I hold up my pinky to start with. “Does Vice President Woodley’s record as a decorated combat veteran positively or negatively influence how you feel he would approach foreign policy?”
I hold up my ring finger. “Does Vice President Woodley’s economics degree and reliable congressional voting record in favor of strengthening the US economy positively or negatively influence how you feel he would approach dealing with the country’s global trade partners?”
I hold up my middle finger. “Does Vice President Woodley’s initiatives to improve middle- and high-school STEM programs across the country positively or negatively influence how you feel he would once again make American schoolchildren competitive in a global economy?”
I hold up my index finger. “Who are you planning on voting for in the November presidential election?” My thumb goes up. “What political party are you registered to vote with?”
Seriously? This is the best polling staff we can come up with?
We are absolutely fucked, if that’s the case. “This campaign willnotengage in negative push-polling. If you want to ensure positive chatter about our candidate and start skewing polls in his favor,thatis how you do it,notby throwing in bullshit Q-anon-esque conspiracy theory questions. The whole point of us heavily campaigning in Iowawithouta primary opponent is to scatter the opposition and create infighting so they cannibalize each other.
“And here’s the other issue. If you start running polls that make it look like the vice president has a party primary opponent in Iowa, rest assured some dumbass first-term congressional member from the middle of Nowheresville will think they can make a name for themselves by running the political equivalent of a suicide bombing mission to earn column inches for themselves in local op-ed sections as a leg up in their re-election campaign on their way to running for governor in the next election cycle.”
I let my gaze sweep the room and raise my voice. “Next person whoeverdares to bring me something like this again can also hand me their campaign ID badge and phone when they do, because they’regone. Do I make myselfclear?” I finally take a breath as they all nod. “Good.”
They stand there, Doe Eyes at the head of the herd, all of them staring at me like I just pooped a golden egg or something. I raise my voice. “Did I stutter? I justgaveyou the poll questions. You’re welcome. Go call Singh and Roscoe.Now.”
The herd realizes they’ve been given their orders and scatters.
Fuck. Me.
