“I could never hate you, pet. You’re my perfect boy, and I love you.”
He sniffles. “I mean it, Leo. If you meet someone, date them.” He bitterly laughs. “Obviously, I’m not going to be doing that, because I’ll be a little busy. You said when we met you could be poly under the right circumstances. I’d rather share you than lose you.” He sniffles. “Maybe you’ll still want me when she’s out of office.”
I stroke his hair. “What do youreallywant me to do, El?” This is as close as we come to being equals when alone. He prefers to be my pet.
I prefer him that way, too.
“I want you to stop falling on the sword for me.”
I shake my head. “I’m not walking away from you unless you tell me to.”
“It’s a chance I’m willing to take, Leo. I want you to date others. Ineedyou, and Ican’tlose you.”
Fuck.
I bite back the first, bitter response I want to throw at him, which is that if he married me, or at least went public withus, now that Shae’s won the election, Icouldbe with him whenever he needed me without any secrecy involved.
I let the psychologist out of his box. “If I say yes to this, it doesn’t give you permission to just sayfuck itand break up with me. If you’re looking for that kind of excuse, I’d rather we talk this out. You and I both know damn well I can order you to do anything, and you’ll do it. Don’t manipulate me because of your fears that I’ll walk away, or any misplaced feelings that you deserve for me to do just that.”
“I’m not.” He takes a deep breath. “Eight to sixteen years is a long time to expect anyone to sleep alone nearly every night.”
“Then fuckingaskme to sleep with you every night, Elliot! That’s all you have to do, and you damn well know it!”
“What if they won’t elect me because I’m gay? What if they say the only reason I am where I am is that I hung off Shae’s coattails?”
Technically, that’s the truth. Shae is a politician with far more years in DC than him, far more legit gravitas and experience and qualifications. She’s an attorney who knows constitutional law like the back of her hand.
But this is the first time in a long damn time Elliot’s been able to dredge that kind of cogent, self-aware statement out of the swamp that is his soul and lay it out on the table to look at.
“What aboutyousleeping alone?” I ask.
“I deserve it. It’s part of the price I have to pay. You don’t deserve to be alone.” He lays a hand over mine, the one still cupping his cheek. “I love you and I can share you. Shae, Chris, and Kev are doing it.”
That’s a slightly different situation than ours, though.
Right now, the air feels so heavy I can barely breathe, so I opt for humor. “No chance of you de-assing your head any sooner than that, pet?”
Finally, the corner of his mouth quirks a little. “I’ll try, Master.”
“You don’t have to run with her in four years. Use your health as an excuse, if you want to. People will understand. Say you need to focus on spending time with your elderly parents. Say you want to return to Nebraska to focus on helping your constituents there. Run for the Senate.”
Except I know he won’t give up like that.
He can’t.
He’s not wired that way.
“I just want to focus on the next four years.” He squeezes my hand again. “I can’t promise you I’ll de-ass my head any sooner than the maximum.”
I know what he means.
Sixteen years.
I could be looking atsixteenyears of shadows.
I’ll be fifty-six years old. Elliot will be fifty-two.
“If I agree to this, will you let me come over tonight?”
