My heart’s pounding, throbbing.
Agony.
It feels like I’m bleeding out from what might as well be real stab wounds piercing me there and slicing through my soul.
I’ll never tell Jordan how much I’m struggling, because the burdens I’ve asked him to shoulder these past six-plus years are far more than what should ever be expected of any one human.
Just like I’ll never admit to Elliot how much I’m hurting in the wake of Jordan leaving. I’m that man’s rock and strength, and the last thing he needs to see is me fall apart.
Elliot needs me.
I sit there as the minutes tick past and I stare at the picture of the bed I’ll never lie in, in an apartment I’ll never set foot in.
My boy.
My sweet, handsome, desperately beautiful, talented, brilliant boy.
I don’t know what to say to him.
I love you.
I miss you.
This is killing me.
Please come back.
Please ask me to come to you.
My thumbs are hovering over the keyboard to reply when the phone vibrates again.
Mom.
I ignore her message and focus on Jordan’s. I canfeelhim sitting there, awaiting my reply.
I despise myself for my cowardice and the message I finally settle on and send before I lose my nerve.
Lots of potential. How close is it to campus?
I already know, of course, because he sent me the address when he signed the lease. He used me as a reference. I mapped exactly where it is and already have it memorized. He took over the lease from a professor at the university, who moved and needed out of their lease early.
Something else we had in common from the start—Jordan didn’t have a car, even though he has a driver’s license. He walked everywhere, or biked, or took public transportation.
My mom asked me several times when we were getting married, because she told me I’d likely never find someone else who’d tolerate being a car-free household.
My mom, of course, has no clue about me and Elliot, except that we’re good friends.
Exactly four living people, besides me and Elliot, know the truth about us.
And one of them now lives in Tallahassee.
The other three live and work in the White House.
Jordan replies.
Easy walk and on a bus line. Little more than I was hoping to pay but utilities included and free Wi-Fi, so I’ll be okay.
He should have no other worries than finishing his degree.
