Except knowing isn’t enough. Not anymore.
Not when I know I could’ve asked Jordan to marry me, and he would have.
In a heartbeat.
I need a firmcommitmentfrom Elliot.
But the ticket is there and waiting for me. It means that, for the next several weeks, maybe I can limit my obsessions about Jordan to those few minutes immediately after waking and before going to sleep. The ticket is my security blanket.
Twice now, I’ve allowed an indiscretion to turn into an obsession.
Twice now, I’ve ripped my own heart out by not being careful.
There’s no way in hell I can continue like this. I need resolution.
As the flight attendants go through their pre-flight safety speech, I turn my head to look out the window to my right. Out there is the Tallahassee evening, darkness sweeping through the landscape as the sun sets.
Out there is my bright, beautiful, sweetly innocent boy, sadly alone in his small, painfully barren apartment.
He’s too good for DC. He’s too pure and kind.
That city would eventually chew him up and spit him out and erase everything about him that makes Jordan the light that he is.
I feel guilty as fuck for letting him go, for breaking his heart. He gave me his virginity and his love and his trust, and all I was able to give him in return was heartache, and yet hestillfound the space in his soul to selflessly put others before himself.
Elliot needs you.
If it wasn’t for me, Elliot would have ended up roped into The Family, courtesy of his sister, and shoved even farther and deeper into the closet than he already is. He would’ve been miserable for an entire host of reasons more than he is now.
He’d be dragged onto a track he felt he couldn’t escape, used by others who think he’s something he’s not, and made into a tool for their purposes. I’ve been doing a lot of digging. When Elliot declares, I know damn well The Family will make another serious run at him, because the potential to have him in their pockets is far too good to pass up. Especially since he’s a Democrat.
Should they stumble upon his secrets?
Then hereallywon’t be able to escape their clutches.
Ihaveto protect him. Ican’tleave him alone and aching and vulnerable.
My sad, sweet boy is right in more ways than one.
Elliot needs me, and the country needs Elliot now more than ever.
I suppose if my boy can be so selfless…well, so can I.
Maybe one day it won’t hurt so fucking much.
Chapter Forty-Eight
The evening before I’m slated to leave with Shae on her multi-country trip, I head over to Elliot’s once I know he’s returned to his residence for the night. He doesn’t know I’m coming but I haven’t been able to see him in private since my return from Tallahassee a couple of days ago.
It’s been far longer than that since we’ve had the time or privacy to play or make love. It’s been months.
Not that I’ve really felt like doing either, unfortunately.
I feel rapidly swelling guilt over the airline ticket confirmation sitting in my e-mail inbox. I should cancel it, get a refund, and walk away once and for all. Rededicate myself to Elliot, reciprocated or not.
But…
Ican’t.
