This is his first night back on the space station. In the year we have known each other,thishas become our routine. His first night back on the station, we eat here, the first restaurant we ever ate at together.
And, no, I have not yet let him buy me dinner. Although he will buy many groceries during his stay, and I will cook dinner for him many times. I am trying to teach him how to cook, and he is a willing pupil, but he is not good at it despite his best efforts.
He can make great scrambled eggs, though, and has cooked me breakfast a few times.
We still do not have sex, although after his last visit I wondered if perhaps I should rethink that.
I open my arms for a hug from him and, as he always does, he lingers, tightly hugging me.
It is enjoyable for us both.
“I have missed you,” I softly say.
“Missed you, too, big guy.”
We still maintain our hug.
There are many nights when I am alone in my quarters where I close my eyes and imagine what giving in to my urges would feel like if I asked Davies to have sex with me.
Then I will hear something, either from the news or from friends, about a situation that reminds me why the way we do things as Pfahrn means so much.
There is a safety in contracts. It is not simply bullshit, as humans might say.
Closing my eyes, I bow my head so I can inhale the scent of his hair. He always remarks about how I smell good to him.
He smells good to me, too.
If only I could convince myself this is what love is supposed to feel like. Unfortunately, I still think about what Fullstein told me of Davies’ reputation.
I do not wish to be another sexual trophy.
But if that was all I was to Davies, would he not have given up long before now?
How long should I live in fear before I embrace possibilities?
I finally release him so we can go inside to eat dinner.
Later that night, as I lie awake in bed next to him in his hotel room, with him gently snoring next to me, I wonder how long he will patiently wait for me to make up my mind about what it is that I want.
It has been over a year since he has had a partner, something he willingly admitted to me when I asked him tonight.
A year since we met.
A year sincethisstarted.
A year in which the highlight of my life has become my time spent with Davies.
A year that now makes me wonder if perhaps it is time I change something in my life and make permanent room for Davies in it.
Chapter Eleven
Davies
Returning to Pfahrn fills me with…anxiety. Not going to lie.
I’m still trying to figure out where the hell I stand with Olarte. I mean, talk about someseriouslymixed signals they’ve thrown at me over the past two years. I’m still not sure if that’s a cultural thing, or what. Part of me wants to just grab them andkissthem.
But if I’m wrong, that could go badly for me in a variety of ways.
