Chapter Nine
Nolan
It isn’t until I see all the stuff—allmystuff—stacked and stowed throughout their house that it finally slams home yesterday wasn’t a dream.
I’ve finally done it.
Vague terror trills through me as I kiss Arlo. I’ve tried a couple of experiments over the past four years without telling Arlo and Zoey.
Hinting to Jerilyn, or saying things to Katie in such a way that I knew when Jeri grilled her upon her return that Jeri would misinterpret them, think that I was dating.
Everydamn time, there’d be some sort of blowup, either directly or indirectly.
Either that week would be the time Jeri suddenly had to change schedules around and needed me to watch Katie for some vague, last-minute work-related issue, or Jeri would get really bitchy with me and try to start a fight with me.
Of course I was already committed to Zoey and Arlo by then, but…I needed to see. You know?
I needed toproveit to myself, who and what I was dealing with.
I noted all the times and dates in my phone, so that if I ever doubted the empirical results, I could always look at those and remember that Jerilyn is a narcissist.
Period.
Sure, we have a custody arrangement in place.
Doesn’t mean I’m not worried about her starting trouble over it. I’d still have to defend myself against a baseless claim, which would cost me money she damn well knows I don’t have.
When I first met her, she knew exactly how to suck me in and play the pity card. I met her parents and older sister and brother, and they were every bit as shitty as she’d warned me they were.
That meant I felt sorry for her.
She used that against me, too.
Weaponized my sympathy, which, while my family is toxic, they weren’t shitty tome. Had they known my secret, yes, absolutely they would’ve turnedonme.
But outwardly, they didn’t realize I had a problem with them. I was one of them, as far as they were concerned.
Jerilyn told me stories of mental and emotional abuse that horrified me, which was one of the reasons I tried so damned hard with her and let her suck me in time and again. I thought I could help her, show her true love.
Problem was, in addition to her issues, my heart was firmly stuck on Arlo, and always had been.
Likehelldid I tell her about him. My instincts told me that was a poor idea, that it could possibly be used against me in the future if things went sour.
They went sour pretty damned fast. Thank god I listened to my gut there. But the bitch of it was, she’d cry, apologize, promise to change, and I’d give her another chance.
Things would be good, for a while.
Then the pattern would start all over again. Maybe in different ways that I didn’t recognize at first, but when I looked back, yeah, I could see the same old pattern playing out.
If I hadn’t been so afraid, I would’ve let Arlo and Zoey talk me into a triad back then after that weekend in Orlando. But I still had a teaspoon of hope.
And I’d still wanted to be a dad.
Except I didn’t know exactly what a narcissist was. I thought Jerilyn was a product of her shitty family. She absolutely was, but she was also like one of those computer viruses that’s engineered to modify itself as it bumps up against obstacles, remaking itself into something new and more lethal with each learning session.
I worry for Katie when she gets older. I worry that, like Lucas, she’s going to rub the narcissist the wrong way and end up emotionally scarred as a result. Not a question of if, but of when. I feel guilty that I saddled my daughter with a mother who is incapable of offering her unconditional love the way I can.
One of the reasons I let my guy finally talk me into this arrangement, especially after this weekend’s developments, is because I know Katie needs our stable, healthy, loving strength behind her. She needs someone like Lucas in her life, someone who can give her advice from having lived through that kind of experience.
