Chapter Eight
Then
The morning George and two of the other survivors are returning to the States, I’m alone in my LA hotel room when I awaken in a mixed mood. I ordered Declan to stay behind in Tennessee, partly because I knew I needed to be alone right now as I…process everything. Besides, I need himthere, my capable deputy holding down the fort and completing arrangements and helping Tyson and the kids. He’ll meet us at the airport in Nashville, along with George’s new security detail.
Obviously, I’m grateful George is returning home to us today, but I’m grieving Ellen.
This is another reason I wanted to be alone this morning.
I feel for and locate the pendant on my necklace and bring it to my lips so I can kiss it. I’ll wear it every day from now on, always with me.
Does that make me self-collared?
I’m sure my girl would think that’s funny.
Back in college, there was a moment when I actively decided I had to make the decision to be a good friend and step back from what Ellen and I had. When I had to resign myself to this new reality, that she was not going to choose me, and I could either accept that gracefully and keep both her and George as friends, or end up alienating them and lose both of them.
That night happened one weekend in our junior year. It was winter, and Ellen went to spend the weekend with her parents because of some family event where her solo presence was implicitly ordered.
Solo meaning I wasn’t invited, but she could’ve brought George. He couldn’t go with her because of law school classes and work.
Before Ellen left, I offered to let George come over that weekend to feed him, because the guy was and still is hopeless in the damn kitchen. And so he could do his laundry and study, because his roommate was a dick and would have people over late. Our apartment had a washer and dryer, where his didn’t.
I’d had it in my head I was going to prove once and for all that the man had a seedy side, a bad side. I was going to show everyone the man was a monster in disguise. I was going to deliberately dive in to his shadows and forcibly draw his secrets into the light.
The sacrifice I made would be worth it to save my girl from that fate.
To prove to her once and for all only I had her best interests at heart.
He came over and I cooked dinner for us. I got us both drunk and spiked his beer with vodka, then made my way into Ellen’s room, where he was supposed to sleep, to try to seduce him.
I awoke the next morning to find myself alone—still fully dressed—in Ellen’s bed, and George, fully dressed as he’d been last night, sound asleep out on the sofa and wrapped in an afghan we kept draped over the back of it.
I knew damn well nothing had happened between us. Unlike George, I could hold my liquor. I’d already had a lot of experience drinking by then.
So I did the only thing I could think of to salvage what little pride I had left, and that was to make Ellen’s bed exactly how she usually made it, leave the door standing open as if we hadn’t even been in there, and I retreated to my room, where I locked the door and had a long, quiet cry.
I also waited until I heard him moving around about an hour later to emerge and make my way out to the kitchen—now dressed in pajamas and fuzzy slippers—to prepare our coffee.
I grabbed the coffee and filters from the cabinet. “Why’d you sleep on the couch last night, goofball?” I asked with my back to him.
From the way he hesitated, I knew he was trying to formulate his answer. “What?”
“When I got up to use the bathroom earlier, I saw you were asleep on the couch. I thought you were going to sleep in Ellen’s room last night? That’s what you said when I went to bed.” I glanced over my shoulder at him and saw the confusion there.
“I…said that?” He wasn’t a big drinker back then. Despite his size, he couldn’t hold his booze.
He either had no memory of the night, or he was willing to go along with my blatant gaslighting.
I’m not sure which made me feel worse, but I don’t count it as a moment in my life that I’m proud of.
Resigned, I opted to fill in the blanks for him since I already felt like a shitty person. “You’re such a lightweight, George,” I teased. “When I headed to bed last night, I thought you were going to sleep in Ellen’s room. Did you fall asleep on the couch watching TV?”
Even more confusion filled his face, so I knew I was right that he was clueless. “I…uh…I don’t remember. Is that…all?”
“What do you mean?”
His face turned an adorably endearing shade of red. “We’re…okay?”
