“About what’s going on?”
I shrug. “Needed to get out of the office. Just having a run, and minding my own fucking business, when a state trooper rolls up to me in a goddamned busy parking lot and orders me inside the back of his marked unit in front of other people. So,thatwas fun, and completely mortifying, after I got over shitting myself because I thought I was about to be shot. And how thefuckdid you even know where I was?”
She finally looks at me. “I have the login for your running app. GPS tracking. You gave it to me years ago. And you didn’t reply to my texts. I wasworriedabout you.”
“I told Dana I was taking PTO and leaving for the day, and you and George were both busy when I left. Didn’t realize I needed permission to leave work early. Or is that a new rule my twoMastersnever told theirboyabout so they could set me up to fail for shits and giggles?”
“Talk to me, Declan.”
“Why? No one’s talking to me! No one bothered to give me so much as a heads-up that George was going tell Ryder and Logan yesterday. No one bothered to fuckingaskme if I was okay with that! No one even bothered to so much as reply to my good-morning texts today.”
I didn’t mean to start yelling, but now that it’s pouring out of me like overflowing sewage, I can’t stop it.
“You didn’t bother toaskme before all this started if Iwantedto walk this path. You didn’t consult with me before setting George up that night to walk in on us, and you didn’tfuckingconsult me before inviting him tofuckme that first night. Where’s the motherfucking informed consent, Case, huh? Looking back on it all, it sure seems like you were setting me up for this for well over a year, the increased strap-on play, training me to get hard over simulated oral on dildos, all of that. I can see it all looking back.
“Now I’m in love with a fucking guy I can’t even publicly be with right now. I spent the last nearly twelve years hiding in your shadow, Case, watching what everyone thought about your dating habits but unable to say anything or declare my love for you. Having to pretend I didn’t love you so fucking much it waskillingme inside when I couldn’t be linked to you romantically. But I was okay with that, because I loved you, and felt like you loved me.
“Now? I don’t even know who the fuck you are. You don’t seem to want to spend time with me anymore. I’m really fucking confused if you ever actually loved me, or I was just a fucktoy to you. How could you claim to love me and then simply hand me over to George like this? And did you manipulate his children to think this was all some Hallmark romance-movie relationship between us?
“Igetit—George thinks he loves me, and the two of you were playing tug-of-war with me for a while in the beginning. But was I nothing more to you than a pawn for you to use to keep him alive? Or is it you needmenow to manipulate George, because Ellen’s not here anymore to do your dirty work for you? How will George feel about me when I become a PR liability to him, huh? I know I always came second in your heart to Ellen. Igetit. And after she died, we had to fight to keep George alive and run the goddamned state at the same time.
“Tell me if you everreallyloved me, Case, or were you using me trying to make her jealous all those years? Do the ashes in that necklace you can’t take off nowstillget priority over the living and breathingmanwho would have fuckingdiedfor you at any time over the past twelve goddamned years? Do you still love a fucking dead woman so much, a woman who was too terrified to publicly declare her love for you, that you’d do anything for her, including throwingmeat her goddamned husband?
“Whydidn’tyougo to George yourself, huh? Why engineer all this? I know you love him, and you’re in love with him. I can see it in your face. I know he’d give his left nut to be with you. Perfect political marriage, right there, and don’t forget the fucking bounce! JesusChrist, Case. The goddamned PR bounce he’d get from that would guarantee he gets re-elected, and you fuckingknowit. Tragic story, widower father, the wife’s single best friend. Two years is a respectable time for grieving. They’d throw you the biggest fucking wedding this state ever saw.
“I’m going to be thirty next month, and the only thing I can say for certain about my life right now is I’m feeling pretty shitty about myself and the fact that I can’t even keeponesimplegoddamnedpromise to my sister. Meanwhile, that piece ofshitis still alive and gets to sit across the table from the man I’m now in love with, and I can’t even do a goddamned thing about it or get a motherfucking say in it. What doIget? One fucking lunch with George in Washington DC, where hardly anyone knew who he was, and a late-night grocery run to fucking Walmart.
“Oh, let’s not forget I get theprivilegeof sneaking around and pretending I’m nothing more to either of you than the hired help, warming your beds when it’s fucking convenient for you and then exiled to my own empty bed when it’s not. Like mother, like son, huh? I’m nothing more than a wetback breeder for the sexual amusement of some fucking rich white folks. Just like she was. But guess what? I’m not some white-savior DIY project for you to earn your SJW card over.”
I didn’t mean to go off like this.
I really didn’t.
Casey stares at me with stunned shock I’ve never seen her wear before.
Instead of waiting for her response, I shove the door open and climb out, leaning in to speak to her.
“Thanks for the water, Ms. Blaine. By the way, that was a fucking dick move, sending a trooper after me. Nice to know I’mliterallynothing more than property to you with no will of my own worth taking into consideration. Don’t bother wasting more taxpayer dollars sending a trooper after me right now, because I know my way home. Oh, and don’t youeverfucking humiliate me like that again, or Iwillsubmit my resignation and walk.”
I switch to Spanish, knowing she’ll understand me.“Next time you send a goddamned trooper after me, he better have afuckingarrest warrant in his hand,counselor, or someone better be fucking dying.”
I slam the door shut and storm off across the parking lot as I blink away tears.Angryfucking tears.
I’ve never spoken to her like that.
Ever.
Half that shit I didn’t even realize I was going to say until it spewed out like toxic lava.
Okay, not half of it—mostof it. Nearly all of it.
Shit, most of it I didn’t even realize I wasthinking, until it was…there.
I also turn off my run app. Fuck, I’ll have to change the login for that, I guess. I didn’t even think about her having all my logins, just like I have all of hers. That means changing my e-mail password first, because she could simply reset it again by accessing that.
Fuck. Iamher property. But days like this it feels so fucking one-sided, and not in the good ways that I love.
In the ugly ways that…
