Chapter Eight
Then
There’s a sick, sad irony that today is a gorgeous, perfect day. Blue sky, no clouds, a slight breeze to chase away the heat and make it achingly beautiful.
The kind of day Ellen adored and loved to be out in, working in the yard or going on a hike.
The kind of day where, if I didn’t have to be somewhere and the kids weren’t home, Ellen and I would likelybe having some fun of our own while locked in our bedroom. Probably involving rope and paddles and leather cuffs.
Too nice of a day for a funeral service.
I didn’t tell Susa everything about me and Ellen, because as we were talking, I wasn’t sure how kinky Susa was. I wanted to keep her talking, not freak her out.
Besides, Ellen wouldn’t have wanted me to tell those secrets. Not to that extent.Not to a near stranger, not even under those dire circumstances.
It would’ve mortified her, and no way could I do that, dead or not.
I’m just glad the kids hadn’t started going through our belongings yet. They would’ve gotten one heck of a surprise if they’d pulled a certain tote out of my closet and started digging deeper than the old sweater folded inside the top of it.
Like that it holdsall our kinky shit.
Including toys that had seen the inside of their mother’s body, and I don’t mean her mouth.
It’s been a week since my return. Casey has completely taken over my life. I’ve needed her to, because she had to get an emergency court order on the day they were supposed to have the memorial for me and Ellen. She needed it to have me declared alive, so she could undo some of theprocesses she’d already started.
At least my life insurance company was happy to hear they only had to pay out for Ellen instead of me, too.
Bastards.
The bank was a pain in the ass, but they finally reopened my accounts and got me new bank cards and credit cards.
I seriously thought Casey was going to get physical with Dick Cailey, who had been installed as governor.
It worried me even morethat I thought she was welcoming that possibility. But the State Assembly recalled him and undid the shuffle they performed to appoint a new Speaker of the Senate and Speaker of the House. They also named me governor, and I was literally sworn in while stopping by the State Assembly’s chambers in the capitol on my way home from the airport after my return.
My kids and brothers were with us, andCasey had retrieved Ellen’s old Bible from the house, an heirloom, because her grandmother had given it to her.
And Casey had tucked one of our wedding pictures inside the front cover of it for me. Ellen was an atheist when she died, but she would have liked my choice for that. Aussie held the Bible for me while I swore my oath of office on it.
I’m sure my neighbors hated me at least a little,at first, because of all the news trucks parked outside our development. Whenever someone paused for the gate to open on their way in, they were swarmed by media hoping to get pictures of me or the kids. It was even worse for people who had to use the directory to get buzzed in, and more than a few times the state police had to force back a couple of overzealous photographers.
My neighbors probablywished I’d go live in the governor’s mansion, but that excitement died down pretty quickly after about the first week.
Leaving us with quiet, aside from days like…today.
I stare out at the packed arena. I didn’t want to have this large of a memorial. Ellen wouldn’t have wanted it, either, but at this point it’s beyond me. It’s the kids and the state and the media, and from what Casey tells meit’s even larger than the original one they’d planned.
I’m along for the ride.
If I don’t have a public memorial for her now, I know I’ll face backlash for that. Hopefully Ellen would understand. If our positions were reversed. I know I would.
I also wonder how many people are here more to get a look atmeand to be able to say they were here than they are to genuinely mourn Ellen’s passingand pay tribute to her. Because this is my first public appearance since my return. I needed to wait formyreasons. I needed to say my public good-bye to my wife before I officially addressed the public in anything other than an interview or press releases.
If anyone can’t understand that, then fuck ’em.
While today’s music choices were Ellen’s favorites, I know I’ll forever hear many of thosesongs and think of them as a kind of dirge. I won’t be able to take comfort in them—at least not for the near future—because I’ll always think about them inthiscontext.
Again, this is bigger than me. I have to think about the bigger picture, and that’s why I hand off so much to Casey now.
