She cups my face in her hands. “I wonder if you’re having nightmares because you’re starting to get some sleep? If your body’s slowly coming out of survival mode, finally?”
I shake my head. “I’ve always had nightmares since getting back. They’re just usually not that…vivid. And they’re usually the same one, reliving whathappened. That was a new one.”
I’ve vacillated quite a bit over the past week, between wanting a poly triad with her and Declan, to wanting Dec all to myself.
That’s my fractured, wounded psyche talking, and I know it. So I breathe through it all and keep it to myself, because I could change my mind five times in five minutes, for all I know.
Except as I pay attention, and think back to yearsof knowing Case, and the years I’ve known Declan… I can see he loves her, and she loves him. Maybe there is room for me there somewhere, but no, I can’t take him from her.
Maybe I wouldn’t even be able to.
Therefore—guilt. “I’ll be okay tonight,” I tell her. “It’s fine. Drop me off a Xanax and spend the night with him. I’m serious. You guys have been working your asses off. You deserve timetogether.”
She presses her lips together and slowly shakes her head. “Nooo,” she slowly says. “I’m going to overrule you, honey. You arenotokay. We have that event tomorrow night, and I need you to have a good night’s sleep under your belt and be on your A-game. There will be big-money donors there we need to schmooze to build our war chest. I’ll send Dec here tonight, and he can spend thenight with you. He can stop by my place tomorrow morning for a while.
“He and I both have stuff we need to get done tomorrow, so you can use tomorrow to read material, or do chores around here, or whatever you want. We’ll all go to the thing tomorrow night, he can come home with you, and then tomorrow night he can come to me instead of being with you. Besides, he’s had a rough week. I know hecould use a good beating. I guess it doesn’t matter if it’s you or me who gives it to him. How’s that sound? Fair?”
I nod, then hug her. “Thank you. I love you, Case.”
“I know, sweetie. I love you, too. I wouldn’t be here right now if I didn’t love you.”
I know I should let her start getting ready, but she holds me and doesn’t make me move.
Selfishly, I take advantage of that and hold hertighter. I close my eyes and deeply inhale, smelling her. The fabric softener she uses, the body lotion, everything.
Inhaling so I can assure myself she’s here with me, that she’s alive, that she’s safe.
I can’t erase the vision of her sightless eyes staring at me from her airplane seat. Or Declan’s.
In my nightmare, the kids’ and my brothers’ and Ellen’s eyes were all closed.
But Casey andDeclan stared at me with wide, sightless eyes, which was even more horrible.
Even worse, I couldn’t kill myself to join them, and I was left alone and screaming on that island.
