I squeeze his hand. “Do you like Italian?”
* * * *
I spend the entire week in Daytona with Kevin, a week that changes my life.
For the firsttime, I’m in love.
I thought I knew what love was, but Kevin realigns my universe. He’s sweet and good and kind.
He’s also terrified—of himself, his truths, the world at large, but mostly of his father.
Because I want to make it into PPD, and because as a Secret Service agent we have contact with lawmakers, I know who Rep. Edwin Markos from West Virginia is. The man is definitely an asshole,and one who, when agents are sure no one’s listening, holds no respect from our agency. The hope is he never runs for POTUS, because it’ll end up being a short-straw kind of deal for his detail assignment. Yes, we absolutely protect whoever it is we’re assigned to.
But there are some people you’re more willing to take a bullet for than others.
Rep. Markos is one of those guys who might makean agent hesitate a fraction of a second before throwing themselves into the line of fire.
He’sthatobnoxious.
It’s difficult to believe that asshole fathered this man. Kev looks nothing like him, so I’m sure Kev takes more after his mother.
By the end of the week, I’ve decided that, yes, this is more for me than great sexual chemistry. I’ve had amazing sexual partners in my life.
This ismore than that.
Way more.
This is the first time I’ve everconnectedwith another soul. There’s just one problem.
Kevin’s closet.
A closet he’s hiding inside of because directly outside stands his father.
Deep in my heart, I think I knew Kevin wouldn’t call me after we said goodbye that week. I could feel his fear of his father washing off him in waves.
When I called him my good boy, itfelt like he melted into a needy puddle.
As if he’d never heard a word of praise from his father, or anyone.
I wanted to convince him that if he’d only trust me, trustinme, I could show him what love really means and protect him from that pain.
That I would unconditionally love him, take care of him.
I make a deal with him—that he doesn’t even have to contact me immediately, that he cantake a week or two if he needs it. But I give him all my contact info, and I have his, too. I tell Kev if he wants a relationship with me—afuturewith me—all he has to do is reach out to me.
That’s it.
A call, a text, an e-mail.
Anything.
He’s supposed to start an unpaid six-month internship at a DC conservative cable news network. His father is paying his room and board, and he’s alreadyfound roommates.
I tell Kev he can live with me. That I will take care of him. That if it ends up not working out with me, we’ll still be roommates.
All he has to do is take the next step, because in my heart I know if I chase him then he’s still living in terror of his father.
He has to want to be with me more than he wants to live in fear.
And that’s not something I can force him to do—onlyhe has that power.
Our last night together, we spend it making love, me memorizing every line in his face as he rides me, every fleck in his gorgeous blue eyes. I make a silent promise to myself to let him go and not chase him.
That adage about letting things go and if they come back, they’re meant to be yours?
It’s bullshit.
I want to cry as I hold him in my arms and kiss every inch of hisflesh. Something inside me tells me this is the last time I’ll ever see him. That he won’t be able to overcome his fear. That I’ll be heading off to continue my career in the Secret Service, and Kevin will chase his dream to become an on-air news journalist.
All while futilely chasing his father’s approval.
