He holds my hand again. “If you want me, yes. I told you a while ago that if you want more with me, you ask me. Whether it’s to be my slave, or my wife, or whatever. That I wouldn’t push you.”
I’ve spent my entire life with goals.
I can never remember a time I didn’t have goals that would putmost people to shame yet still leave me feeling like a slacker.
I’ve always felt…driven.
As an adult, part of that is due to running from things I can’t escape.
Doesn’t mean I won’t keep trying.
“Are youinlove with me?” I ask.
He sighs. “We can love each other in a bunch of different ways and not both beinlove with each other. Areyouin love withme?”
Fair question, and one I avoid.“Will you hate me in two years?” I ask. “If I ask this of you, and you’re marrying me and not him?”
“I can’t guarantee he’s going to be happy with the whole personal situation, no, but he will agree to it and go along with it. Will I hate you? No. I need patience and understanding from you, sweetie. I love him. I’minlove with him. I’ve neverstoppedloving him. If you’re asking me if I willlove you more than him, I can’t tell you that. I won’t lie to you.
“There’s not a finite amount of love in me. Do I love you? Yes. Other than what I’ve held for him in my heart all this time, you are the longest, strongest relationship I’ve ever had. Can I see myself married to you in a functional, healthy, loving relationship? Absolutely. But if you ask me to choose between you and Kevin, orto quantify my love for you versus my love for him, I will not do that. I will marry you, but I won’t give him up. This is not negotiable, just like when I come back later tonight to deal with him, I will tell him that you being in my life is not negotiable.”
I study him for a moment. “What if he gives you an ultimatum and says it’s me or him?”
“He won’t.”
“You said it yourself, you haven’tspoken to him in twenty years.”
“I know him.”
“Youknewhim,” I remind him. “Bigdifference. If I’m going to declare on Sunday, I need to know this is a sure-thing rightnow.”
“It will be,” he says.
I wave my hand toward the windshield, indicating the house. I need a brief break from this heavy discussion. “Is this it?”
“Yeah. I’ll give you the tour.”
He shuts the car off and we head inside.Our feet echo off the bare walls and wood laminate floors as we tour the house. There’s a pool and hot tub, too. One of my chores during these next two weeks is arranging to get my shit moved here from my townhouse and then sell the townhouse. One of my staffers will help supervise the logistics, a long-term aide I can trust and will pay extra for her efforts.
“I like it,” I say when we end upin the kitchen. “You sure this won’t raise more questions than it settles?”
“If you were from California or something, sure it would.” He leans against the counter and crosses his arms. He looksdamngood in his suit and it nearly distracts me. “You’re from Tallahassee. It’s a coincidence. It’s an exclusive gated community. A county commissioner and two state reps have houses in here, as do severalattorneys, a circuit court judge, and two school board members. It passes the smell test.”
I lean against the opposite counter, mirroring his pose. “If he can’t do this, if you feel he’s going to let us down, let me know before Sunday morning.”
“I will, but he won’t. He’s my good boy.”
Another tendril of jealousy snakes through me. I’ve never had competition for Chris’ time, other than fromhis job.
Definitely never had competition for his heart before. Well, I guess I did, I just never realized it before.
I’ve never had obvious competition for the sadist’s attention, either.
Maybe the only reason I wasn’t jealous before was that I had no reason to be.
I stare at him. “See, you keepsayingthat, but you don’t know.”
“IknowKevin. He’s still in the closet. He doesn’t have aclose relationship with his father. It’s not a coincidence that he blew up over a hate crime directed at two gay men. You need to trust me. I’ve proven myself over the years. If you can’t trust me, tell me now, and we can part ways as friends.”
