Thisis the plan.
As much as it pains me to admit it, Carter and Susa were both right about people liking my “face.” That means I can’t go fucking this up. Because if I fuck it up, it means I fuck it up forHer.
I refuse to do that.
Susa is currently out of the country. She’s on day eleven or twelve—depending on how you figure it—of a fourteen-day trip that took her to five cities in Asia as part of an official forty-person group made up of governors, lieutenant governors, and other high-ranking state officials. There’s another four dozen or so family members who’ve paid to accompany them. It’s being sponsored by an Atlanta-based organization to promote stronger business and tourism ties between a group of states in the southeastern US, and countries in the region. She awoke in Kuala Lumpur this morning. They fly to Manila later today.
Or is that tomorrow? Maybe it’s technically yesterday when that happens.
I’ve given up trying to calculate time differences. I leave that to Carter, because he’s Carter. And because he’s ordered me to focus on my job, not on Susa.
I know that’s in no small part to help me not miss her quite so badly, but I still do.
At least with her out of town, it makes sense for Carter to be with me all of the time. Meaning that, for now, I’m not alone at night. While I painfully miss Susa, there is more than a small comfort to be had cuddling with Carter in bed every night. This is the longest stretch I haven’t been alone in bed since taking office, and I have to say it makes me miss private life.
Despite the horrible reason I had to spend the night with them a couple of weeks ago, it was achingly sweet, too, and reminded me why I do this—because I love them.
They are my life, and I love them.
When Carter awakened me before dawn this morning, he told me about Susa’s text and I texted her back, a quickI love you.
Then I had to hand my personal phone over to Carter to monitor after we returned from our jog, because I have a busy morning full of speaking engagements both official and campaign-related. Right now, I’m only allowed to monitor my personal phone when I’m in the office.
Because Carter damn well knows me.
I cannot afford to be checking my personal cell every thirty seconds to see if she’s responded. I know Carter will let me know as soon as she replies, and I have work to do.
I had thought about going on the trip, except Carter nixed that idea with the re-election ahead of us and so much work still to do legislatively. Susa’s had her fingers on the tourism issue throughout my whole term, so it made sense for her to go, along with the head of the state’s tourism commission, Connie Drucker. I thought about paying out of our own pockets to send Dray and Gregory with her, but Carter nixed that idea, too. He wanted Dray here in Tallahassee, helping him with re-election planning, and Susa concurred.
I don’t argue against their plan. Not that I think I’d win that argument anyway, but I feel a little badly that Dray doesn’t get this chance to travel overseas with her.
I hate that Susa’s essentially alone on this trip, even though she’s an adult and can take care of herself. It’sourjob to take care of her—Carter to protect her, and me to serve her.
I feel like I’m failing her. It’s ironic that she thought she was failing me—yes, irrational though that thought was—by not getting pregnant.
I feel like I’m failing her, and Carter, by not getting her pregnant, even though that, too, is irrational.
Carter already had me see a doctor in Tampa and forbid me from telling Susa. He scheduled it three months ago, when I had to be there anyway for a meeting, and they took me in after-hours.
We’ve ruled out that it’s not a problem with me. In the wake of her meltdown, Carter promises me that once Susa’s back from this trip, he’ll get her in at the same doctor in Tampa, go bastard extraordinaire on her, and see what we can do medically about this.
If anything.
Still, it makes me want to work that much harder, both at my job and getting re-elected, to be one less disappointment forHer. Again, I know that’s pressure that only I am putting on myself, but there you have it. We’re three people who love each other and feel responsible for the others.
Carter shepherds me through my morning. We manage to sneak alone time so he can put me down in Loyalty for five desperately needed minutes before my first appearance of the afternoon. It’s a luncheon of lawmakers and other bigwigs from around the state, people focused on water quality, and we’re listening to a presentation from scientists from UF about Lake O. It’s being held at a large hotel downtown. The luncheon and presentation will be followed by a pool spray in the lobby, since there are so many lawmakers at the local, city, county, and state level in attendance.
I haaaate fucking pool sprays. They’re barely controlled chaos, and anyone with press credentials for the event—which we usually don’t get to control, unless it’s an event we’ve put together—is able to shout out questions. Many of them are “gotcha” types of questions, even about positive topics, designed to trip me up and make me look like an idiot.
Which, considering how I’m being pulled in so many directions right now, including personally, making me look like an idiot wouldn’t be too difficult to accomplish.
Fortunately, they don’t have any scandals to grill me on. None that impact us in terms of they were birthed inside our administration. Today, we suspect reporters will try to get me to weigh in on a contentious special election down in Miami-Dade. It’s two Democrats duking it out after a state rep died and left the office vacant when they were the incumbent and had filed to run again, so the deadline to file to run has passed. Both candidates for the special election are leveraging accusations of malfeasance at each other.
Not touchingthatwith a ten-foot-pole.
During lunch, I try not to let my mind drift, to stay focused and in the moment. I’m tempted to take my work phone out and text Carter to ask if Susa’s texted us yet or not.
But that wouldn’t be professional, would be very risky, and would be frowned upon by my very dedicated and sadistic chief of staff.
