I take a deep breath. “Okay, fine. I’m sorry.”
He studies me for a long time, to the point I’m not sure he’s staying.
“Imeanit,” he finally says. “I have my reasons. Some of them are because Owen’s placed a trust in me and I can’t share the info with you yet. Some of them are my own that I’m not ready to share yet. Might never be able to share. Ihaveto be in complete control of this, and of Owen.Period.”
“May I please ask for at least a hint ofthosereasons, then, Sir?Yourreasons? Just a hint. Anything. Help me understand. Please?”
His expression gentles a little at my use ofSir. He sighs, then drops his T-shirt on the coffee table and returns to the couch. He sits, pulling me into his arms, but I can see he’s still trying to figure out how or what to say to me.
I wait him out.
Finally, he strokes my hair, plays with it. “I was barely your age. It’s about the woman I got the vasectomy for, shit that happened to me in Germany. I’m fucked up, Suse. As if you couldn’t tell already. I’m massively fucked up, forever, because of what she did to me. Think your darkest, most depraved fantasies, and then go deeper and darker. It made me who I amnow.
“But they’re the cards I was dealt, and the hand I’ve got to play today. That’s why my most important rule is Owen comes first, then you, and me last. She always put herself first, even though she made others vulnerable to her and told them they could trust her. I might be a bastard, and evil, and twisted, but I would rather die than harm someone who’s put their trust in me.”
His brown gaze settles on mine. “That’s who I am,” he says. “That’s who I’malwaysgoing to be. An evil, fucked up bastard who can sometimes do good things. If you let me do what I need to do, you’ll have Owen to serve you and be your sweet, loving guy, and you’ll have me to be Sir when you need to let go, the bastard who will match you wherever you need to him to, and who will help you in your political career without a second thought as to what has to happen. You can have it all,bothof us, but it means youhaveto take me the way I amnow. That means accepting my rules and my control.”
Carter’s a hard person, a strong person, despite how he’s having to rebuild his body.
Even still, I hear whispers of terrified pleas in his words, in his heart.
Someone else might think this was bravado, or bullshit, or that I’d opened myself to a predator.
Uh,yeah, Carter’s a predator. It’s one of the things Iloveabout him. I’m a predator, too, in my own way.
Like calls to like.
It makes me feel better to know I’m not the only fucked up person in the world.
I drape my arms around his neck and ruffle his hair. “Okay, Sir,” I say. “Your rules, your way. But please promise me one thing.”
“I’d need to hear it first.”
“If something happens with his mom, and Owen’s struggling, let me give you the money to take care of him. Please? Let me do thisonething for him. I wouldn’t offer if I couldn’t afford it. And I offer it with no strings attached.”
He sighs, some of the tension leaving his body before he finally nods. “Deal, pet. You have my word.”
I feel like I’ve won a huge victory. Not only is Carter trying to win Owen’s trust, I’m trying to win Carter’s.
To convince him that I’m not playing a game.
To get him to understand I don’t want to go anywhere.
Now all I have to do is keep my heart under control.
* * * *
We’ve known each other four weeks when Carter texts me on a Thursday morning. Owen’s freaked out because they have to go over to Orlando that Saturday for dinner at Owen’s mom’s house. Carter and I were supposed to get together today, but he wants to eat lunch with Owen instead.
Owen’s not handling this development well, and Carter wants to spend some additional time alone with him to ease him through it.
I understand and don’t begrudge it. I already know I’m not going to be allowed to go to Orlando with them, because Carter wants to control the situation as much as possible.
I still make the offer when they come over that night for dinner and to do their laundry.
While Owen’s a pretty emotional guy to start with, tonight he’s…well, he’s an absolute wreck. Carter and I exchange secret, knowing glances several times, and I understand now why Carter wants complete control over this situation and over Owen. Igetit.
I feel protective of Owen now, too. I’d be too tempted to smack the woman, at least verbally, and possibly make the situation worse for Owen, both with her, as well as upset or stress Owen in the process.
